Just a Few Weeks?

"It is just a few weeks, right?" These are words that I find echoing in my brain as I attempt to calm my anxious heart during the delay in our adoption process...just a couple of weeks longer. But then the thoughts come - the life our baby is living right now, the milestones we've missed, the months we can't get back. Weeks? Each day that passes feels like an eternity.

I have missed that sweet new baby smell and the feeling of a precious little peanut melted in my arms after nursing him to sleep. I have missed those first gummy grins and giggles. I have missed his first bath and his first Christmas. My little one doesn't know what it is like to have a mom there to meet his every need - to change his diaper when he is wet or calm him when he is afraid. He doesn't know a full tummy. He doesn't know the fun of splashing in a leisurely bath with rubber duckies and toy sailboats. I have missed those precious cuddles of an infant and the twinkle in his eyes as I greet him each morning. He hasn't seen the sparkle in my eyes when my heart lights up at merely the thought of him. He doesn't have his own blankets or toys or a quiet place to sleep peacefully. He doesn't have a mom there every day talking to him, doting over him, loving him as only a mother can. He is growing and changing quickly and we are not there to see it. I may have even missed his first tooth. I have a niece here in town who is about the same age as our baby so far away - and almost every day of her life thus far has been documented with photos..probably in the hundreds. We have about 7 pictures of him. I don't know his exact birthday. I don't know if he is rolling over or sitting up. I don't even know his schedule, when he naps or what he eats.

When we bring him home, there will be so much to celebrate. Our focus will be on the present joy and the task of restoring him to health after the early months of poverty, parasites and loneliness. But for now, we are focused on the days that are passing without him. A friend wrote to me the other day mentioning that she had to mourn the months she missed in her adoptive son's life. I am beginning to fully grasp what this means - there is a tangible loss and I would imagine it only grows stronger after you fall more deeply in love with your child. As a mother, one of my most important goals is to truly "know" my kids - but with this little guy - there will always be a piece missing.

I hurt for what we've missed. I ache for what he has lived through. I know that God is in control and all of this is part of His perfect timing. But what I feel right now is that "just a few weeks" is too long to wait.


Julie said...

This is such a great post, Tiffany. Praying for you.

jodymcnatt said...

oh, tiffany, i know. i know. i know. more than that...God knows. He knows everything. yes, Everything, about this child. that has been my most encouraging thought with the wait for our own little girl. He Knows. it doesn't always feel like enough...but it is. praying for you, sweet friend.