11.16.2009

Court Date Eve

Thinking deeply on this, the eve of our Ethiopian court date...

There is a precious little one very far away. I've seen his face. I know his name. I have small pieces of his story. In the whispers of my fearful heart, I already love him. Tomorrow is the day we could learn that he is "officially" ours - that this is the child God placed in our family long before our family even was. Or tomorrow, we could learn that the wait continues...for any number of reasons...our case may not make it through court on the first attempt. Either way, it is a big day in the life of our family.

Surreal feelings, truly. My husband asked me tonight if I was ready, tomorrow, to become the mother of four? Wow...are we really at this point...finally?

If all goes smoothly, on November 17, he will be ours. But it will be at least another two months before everything is processed and we can travel to bring him home. I still can't hold him. I can't rock him. I can't feed him. I can't kiss his boo-boos. He can't see my eyes light up when he smiles. I can't love him through the lonely ache that his tiny heart is feeling. Yet my mind is continuing to cycle through the reasons why four children will not be an easy under-taking...why having a biracial family will bring additional challenges...whether or not I am qualified to raise a black child. And if I ever run out of questions, others seem to have enough to easily reignite my panic. But even with so much turmoil swirling in my faithless, finite brain...I am surprised by the relative ease at which I arrive at an answer to my husband's question.

I wrestle with my doubt, fear, selfishness and the ugliness in my soul - but these will always be familiar companions on this side of Heaven. Was I truly prepared to be the mother of one, two or three? Certainly not. Motherhood is a daily lesson in the laying down of self. Who's ready for that?

Am I prepared for a fourth child? Probably not. But...am I ready to be the mother of this precious child with the beautiful brown eyes...the one we've been calling Baby G...? Yes.

Absolutely. Right now. Not two months from now. I am ready. Now.

1 comment:

A Note from Nathan and Shanna said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Although we will only be a family of three, and I, a mother of one, those thoughts are continuously swirling in my mind. But God is gracious and He has given us this heart for our children already...we love them, inexplicably and undoubtedly. I am praying for you today for a smooth court day and peace as you wait for answers.
~Shanna