A Raging Storm

Did you know that the discipleship curriculum my group has been studying in recent weeks is about suffering? Seriously. Suffering. Sometimes God whispers to me...other times...it is a bit less subtle. I sat with my sweet group just two weeks ago, as we talked about our greatest fears, and this is what I alluded to. I dared not even say the words, but the thought was there...not my kids God. I am blessed to be at a church with, real, honest, Biblical theology, it is such a gift. If you don't have a church like this, find one. It will change your life. It isn't just, "Oh, let's all have faith, God is good"...prosperity theology. It is real, from the Bible, take it or leave it, but you can't choose bits and pieces theology. We love this. However, that also means that we know truth...and truth applies always - it is not relative and it does not change based on our desires.

Which leads to my current reality. There is a storm raging in my soul right now. Twisting and churning, spinning and brewing. It is ugly - my sin, my doubt, my fear - it is nasty. I know that God is good. He has a plan. He is in control. But the whole truth is that His plan is not always my plan and that for each of us, suffering will be part of our lives at some point...and the suffering we experience...was ordained by Him. It is tough stuff and difficult to wrap your head around. But if you read about suffering in the Bible, you will learn that it is truth.

I'm terrific at loving God when my life is going well...or maybe it is more accurate to say, when I am getting my way. But what about when I am not? When I beg, plead, long...and hear nothing? How do I react then? Well, I will tell you that the reaction is not good. I am like a spoiled child, seeing only myself with no view of the big picture...and it is not pretty. Of course I love Him when the blessings flow, but lately, I have been hearing, "Can you love me if...?"

This is where I have landed at the moment. In an exhausting wrestling match between the knowledge in my head and the pain in my heart. The pain has been so great, more than I have ever known. I wrote this in my journal on Monday:

"A few days with no doctors, no tests, no results - and a glimmer of hope and peace sneak back in. Why is it, that these things seem so contingent on my circumstances? I have seen a brief flicker of light in the last day or two...but was that real peace...or was it because I had experienced a few days with no further bad news? Why does true peace allude?"

I write tonight, wrestling with God. It is as if Bailey and I are standing out on a very long pier in the middle of a hurricane. The waves are huge, the winds swirl, we are wavering as we attempt to stand on our feet. Jesus is there next to us with his hand extended. "Do you trust me? I made you. I made her. I love you both. Beloved, let me have her hand."

My soul longs for peace, but the battle wages on.

Is His love enough?
Is His grace truly sufficient for me?
Do I trust Him?

It isn't about whether or not He will heal her...He is God and His ways are not my ways...but do I trust His plan?

There is a huge mountain in front of us, but this mountain was not a surprise to Him. To us, it seems a deviation from "the plan" - but it is not - He always knew that my sweet Bailey would develop a bone tumor in her leg. He knew. He knew all of the pieces before she was born.

Am I angry? Yes. I watch my baby hurt. I hold her as she cries. My heart breaks.

But the question looms, do I trust Him?

I am certain He will bring my heart there, but peace has not yet come.

For now, the battle in my soul rages on...