Leaving It All On The Field

He Makes All Things Beautiful... (Happy 2nd Adoption Day Caleb!)

2012-02-07T14:11:00.000-08:00

Two years ago today, I held my sweet boy for the first time. The feelings, they were so familiar...excitement, jubilation, fear, panic, overwhelming gratitude...and there were tears, many of them. I'd been here before, walked this road as I held each of our first three biological kids. But two years ago today, I experienced all of those emotions and more - because with adoption - there is always more. In addition to the myriad of emotions that come with the addition of another child to your family, with adoption there is also the underlying layer of sorrow...of sadness...of loss. The loss of a birth mother, the time spent in an orphanage - lonely and afraid, the loss of a country. It is deep and it is heavy and it is a scary gap that my child had to walk alone in those early days. As parents it is easy to simply bask in the glow of adoption ideology...of cheery coming home videos...in the idea of "saving" a child. But at some point (usually quite quickly), reality comes crashing in and we realize that our child is hurting. We learn that their brain pathways have been physiologically altered because they have endured high levels of stress at an early age - when much of their "wiring" was still developing. They are from a hard place. What becomes even more evident is that as parents, it is our role to step out of the rosy little post-adoption fantasy, fall to our knees, roll up our sleeves and begin to walk with God as He heals these precious little souls.
Caleb was nine months old when we finally held him for the first time. I assumed, like many adoptive parents, that our transition may have a bumpy start, but that we could push through it and be back to "normal" quickly. We did everything the books said to do. We cocooned, we attached, we were the only caregivers. What became evident in those early months, was that we were dealing with a very scared, sad and angry baby. It took a while for some of that to fully present itself, because he was so little...but in the midst of temper tantrums like I'd never known...I knew that we were dealing with deeper, more primal feelings. It was a bit of a battle for me, to finally accept that there was much more uphill to go, that "Gotcha Day" was merely the beginning of the journey. Oh, did I love this little boy...but most days, we didn't like each other much...but I hurt for him and I wanted to fight for him...to give him the love, the family, the healing...he deserved that. It took time and we had a lot of really hard days. Early on, the tantrums seemed endless. He had trouble speaking, so his frustration level was quite high. He took much of his anger out on me and it became quite obvious that he had little trust for women. But we just kept moving...one day at a time. I read, I researched, I drove to therapy and to counselors...and I prayed.

Some may read this and wonder why I am sharing so much. We do try to keep much of Caleb's story private, until he is old enough to decide which portions he would like to reveal to others. But without sharing this honesty of the hard, it would not be possible to fully describe what God has done in this little boy...you can't see the light, until you have seen how truly dark it was.

As I sit today, home two years from when I first held our precious Caleb Gebremedin Alemayehu, he is a changed child. There is a twinkle in his eye and he has a smile that can light a room. His laugh is completely infectious. He eats well, he sleeps well, he has grown like crazy, he is content, well-behaved and he is talking constantly. He is drop-dead handsome...and he finally loves and trusts his mama. Just last week, he wrapped his arms around me and said, "Loves you mama," for the very first time. It took all I had not to collapse, weeping, in my kitchen. There are no words to describe the delight I have in this child...and I suspect it is so much sweeter because we have walked the hard together. Each milestone feels like a battle won. I saw where he was and I see how far he has come...and God has healed this little boy...and it has made our journey that much more special. Will there still be struggles? Absolutely. His history is complicated and there will be triggers and life changes that bring back the hard. But that is part of this process and my job, as mom, is to be there to walk through that with him. The transformation is nothing short of a miracle.

People tell us quite frequently that we are so special and that Caleb is lucky because we have changed his life. I do not take offense, because I know the point they are trying to make...but this is bigger...so much bigger. Generations have been changed, for him certainly...but for us too. In us, the change has been profound and we will never be the same. Through this process, I have learned so much about myself...and my own sin. I have been stretched and I have struggled and grown more than I could have ever imagined. I learned about how selfish I really was. I learned what unconditional, true, active, committed every day love is. Throughout this process my other kids have learned about adoption. They have learned about Ethiopia, poverty, suffering, birth mothers, and lonely children. They have an African brother whom they adore. A brother who is brown when they are peach...and they can't even see it.

As I look back, I am in awe of what God has done in two years. We look toward to the future and I know we will be dealing less with temper tantrums and more with issues of identity, race and where did I come from? I pray that I am ready. Right now, I am basking in God's faithfulness...and when the questions and issues become more complex, I know that He will give me the words I need. Adoption is a beautiful thing. My heart aches with joy for this precious child in whom I delight.

There are so many deterrents to adoption. So many people talk about it...but never take that next step. Please think carefully if you are on the fence. Not everyone is called to adopt, certainly. We also cannot "save them all." But it terrifies me to think about what we would have lost, had we not stepped out in faith. God met us...but we could have so easily missed it. Because of our fear of the unknown, our excuses, our selfishness...we could have missed this. These kids aren't asking for perfect parents...they aren't asking for a white picket fence and tennis lessons at the country club...they just need a family. Families are always better. They deserve a family to fight for them and if you just love one...you really can change generations.

Thank you my sweet Caleb for letting me be your mama. You have made me a better woman. You have brought me closer to Jesus. I will continue to fight for you. You bring abounding joy to my life and I am blessed that God chose me for you. He always knew that you were mine, but I am so thankful that two years ago today, he brought us together at last...

Happy 2nd Adoption Day!

"He has made everything beautiful in its time..." -Ecclesiastes 3:11

Want to Help? (Check out these great organizations!)

2012-02-06T19:09:00.001-08:00

I had a wonderful time last weekend at Created for Care. Thanks to Andrea Young for listening to God's whispers and then nurturing this wonderful event to fruition. I speak for myself (and I am pretty certain for all of the other tired and blessed adoptive mamas) when I say that we are so grateful. It was a precious time...full of information, relaxation and some good girl talk. It was amazing to be with so many other women who have said, "Yes," to the call...a call that is full of much joy, but also many challenges. To spend time in worship with these ladies, to talk to them, to learn from them...you can't walk away and not feel re-fueled. I was also stunned yet again, by the number of women who go well above merely adopting...by establishing ministries that go far beyond changing the life of just one...these women are warriors.

I wanted to list just a few of my favorite organizations here. If you are looking for a cause to support, either financially or through prayer or service...these are terrific ministries. They are all small and you are guaranteed that any money or time that you give will not be wasted...it will directly impact the life of another...almost immediately.

Wiphan - provides training and education to widows and orphans in Zambia

Wiphan.org">

60 Feet - working to change the lives of imprisoned children in Uganda; if you get a chance to see the 60 Feet movie, "Bereaved," watch it...you will never be the same...

Light Gives Heat - Creating sustainable jobs for Africans through various means (i.e. hand-made jewelry, handbags, etc.) and other long-term projects

Amazima - Educating and empowering the people of Uganda,

147 Million Orphans - Changing the lives of orphans

Seriously, check out these websites. There are so many people hurting in the world and many of them are children. They need us to step out of our "busy-ness," to open our eyes and to really see...just because they are far away, off of our radar...that does not give us the excuse to pretend they are not there. We must truly open our eyes...

...and then we must act.

21-Day Sugar Detox...done!

2012-01-22T18:37:00.000-08:00

When I started this detox, I was ready. It was a new year and time for a jump start. No more nibbling on treats and excusing my bad behavior as the holiday norm. I was feeling yucky and it was time to re-set my system. The first week wasn't too bad. It took some time, but I was organized with recipes and snack planning and things clicked along nicely. I tried some new meals and surprisingly, we hit on a couple of things immediately that even the kids were willing to eat. But, as with any "habbit-breaking," after about a week in, this venture was beginning to seem like a bad idea. Life cranked back up to full speed and I couldn't keep up with the groceries...and suddenly, I was eating the same things all of the time...totally bored with the menu. If it were just me, then that wouldn't have been an issue...but that isn't my reality. I have four kids...two of whom are under age five and have food allergies. I'm still in a season of life where it is a good day if I manage to squeeze in a shower - and so this seemingly endless circle of planning food was a bit overwhelming. I was not loving it and my diet was excruciatingly repetitive. I'm not a quitter though...so I kept plugging along. By week three, I was definitely ready to be done, but by that point I was also over the proverbial "hump"...and there was no looking back. And then, suddenly...it was 21 days...I had completed the detox. Whew! I followed the plan (as far as I can tell) almost perfectly. I had a bite of applesauce one day when I was making food for the kids and just totally zoned out (more on that later), and I also ate ten blueberries because they were fresh, organic, and staring me in the face one morning after breakfast. Those were my only cheats.

I am extremely glad to be finished with this process. I felt a bit confined and frustrated by the lack of variety. But as I sit and reflect on the three weeks, I must admit that there is a good bit that I can take away, because I did notice some things that I would not have otherwise realized without the restrictions. Here are just a few of the nuggets:

-Normally, I crash every afternoon at about 3:00pm. This did not happen while on the detox. My energy levels were the best they have been in quite some time.

-I was shocked by how little I think about what we're eating. Relatively speaking, I'm a fairly informed mom when it comes to nutrition. We eat a mostly organic, mostly whole foods diet...but what I didn't realize was what a routine I was (stuck) in. I'd go to the grocery store with a list fairly similar to the one the week before, and the week before that, and the week before that (you get the picture)...and this detox forced me to truly think about each and every bite that I ate, and in turn, fed my family.

-I snack a lot while cooking or cleaning up from the kids meals. I had no idea really, how much I was nibbling off of their plate, left-overs, etc...probably several hundred calories a day...it was almost as though I was in some sort of trance, not even realizing that I did it. But with the detox, I had to be mindful of each and every morsel...and this was eye-opening.

-My joints don't hurt. I just realized this today...although I first had the thought last week, that I didn't have as many aches and pains, but I didn't connect the two until I read the list of things that may happen while on the detox.

-I'm usually a snacker, but during this time period...I didn't need to snack. Really, I could eat breakfast at 7:30am and not be hungry again until 1:00pm...which was a completely new thing for me.

-I think I'm sleeping better. This is difficult to say for sure, because I'm still tired...but my kids get up here and there and so I'm not guaranteed a solid 8 hours nightly. But on the whole, I do think the rest I am getting has been more...uh...restful.

-I ate a lot of protein and my body seemed to like it. I've been working out fairly hard and I can feel myself getting stronger. Initially it seemed like a lot of meat, but it appears that my system really did enjoy it.

-The cooking aspect was a bit challenging. Between needing meals large enough to feed six, our crazy schedules, and the allergy restrictions...it was tough. I think I would need a crock-pot Paleo book to survive long-term. :)

-I hate how the scale can determine whether or not I have a good or bad day, so I typically avoid it. However, I was very curious about what my weight would do with what seemed like a very high-fat diet. So, I weighed myself on Day 1 and on Day 22. The first thing I learned is that I need to go out and buy a better scale...because this morning I weighed myself seven times and saw a different number each time. However, if I come up with some sort of average, then the minimum I lost was six pounds. Seriously, six pounds in three weeks of eating whatever I wanted from the "approved" list...no counting, weighing, journaling or hunger. I ate more meat and more full fat dairy than I ever have...and still lost six pounds. Mind-boggling. It wasn't the goal of this detox to lose weight...but I'll take it. And...it has made me think...

Also, I just did a quick check-in with the hubby to see what he learned throughout his own process and this was his response:

-Detox makes him crabby due to the limited foods from which to choose (the man likes his oatmeal and sweet potatoes)

-Wheat gives him heartburn (I discovered this about myself as well.)

-He usually ends up with a very raspy/hoarse voice by late afternoon, but this didn't happen during the detox period.

-He also avoided his typical 3:00 pm crash.

So, my 21 days are over, but honestly, I'm not sure about the next steps. I've actually learned a lot and I'm really wrestling with what to take away from this experience...what should I implement as long-term life changes? I think the high protein/low carb piece is interesting...because intuitively, one would think you would gain weight...but my personal experience (and now, a lot of research) have proved that to be false. The energy level part is exciting too. I also like the idea of eating how God intended us to eat...that makes sense to me. But how does all of this apply to our family...specifically, realistically? I'm not exactly sure yet. I'm feeling paralyzed by too much information. Hopefully with some time, I can sort through this and then use pieces of what I've learned to make some long-term changes for my family.

So, what did I think of the detox? It was a bit challenging and certainly not my favorite thing...but well worth it. I've learned a lot, it has given me much to wrestle through and overall, I am feeling better.

Sports and Snacks

2012-01-21T17:51:00.000-08:00

It's a familiar scene on youth sports fields across this country. The whistle blows, kids shake hands...and then they run like Karl Lewis to find the mom handing out the post game snack. Of course they do. This is America and we love food. Well, it is not really food we love. We love the chemically enhanced, momentarily tasty products masquerading as food and living in the middle isles of our grocery stores. And these impostors find their way into every aspect of our American life.

A birthday at the office - well of course there must be cake. An early meeting demands donuts. A holiday party at school and we are certain our children will suffer greatly unless they have the appropriately themed cookies. My kids' school offers either pizza or a local fast food option at least once a week. I have a pre-schooler learning to count with candy - which of course they are allowed to eat at the end of the lesson. And of all of this unhealthiness, the one that is sending the most confusing message to our children is the marriage of youth sports and food.

It is impossible to turn on a news program today without finding some type of story on the rise of obesity in our children. Type II diabetes is now something faced regularly by this nation's kids - juvenile cardiovascular disease is on the rise. The current generation of kids will likely have a shorter lifespan than their parents. This is bordering on child abuse and it must stop. I'm not sure why American parents can't see it - the paradox between teaching kids that sports and treats go together. We take our precious children, most of whom have been sitting in school all day, or in front of the television or playing video games and we send them out for an hour of moving their body, competing, having fun doing something physical...and then we reward that with 400 calories of high fructose corn syrup, food dye and trans fats. Seriously? Do we truly believe that 45 minutes of soccer has left our kids so dangerously close to low blood sugar and dehydration that they they need a bag of mini-cookies and a gallon of sports drink? Is this really good parenting?

It has to stop. I don't know how, but this madness must end. It seems overwhelming because this snack insanity is everywhere. So, as parents, what should we do? Change is on the horizon, but it is going to take time...baby steps. It is a movement that must start slowly, individually and then hopefully, as people become better educated, it will swell from the ground upward and change will come. If you are a coach and it is an option to skip snacks entirely for your team...do it. If this is deemed sacrilegious in your particular athletic organization, then encourage healthy snacks. And a word of advice, most parents don't know what healthy snacks are...so provide some ideas. The list of foods to avoid is long: no sodas, sports drinks, or artificially flavored waters, nothing with sugar as the first ingredient, nothing with high fructose corn syrup, trans fats or food dyes, nothing with an ingredient list over three items or with any ingredient that sounds like it was made by a scientist (because if it was, it isn't food). The "healthy" list is very easy: whole foods, foods that God made, fresh and no preservatives - and to drink...water (gasp!).

This is a scary era of obesity and it is time for some changes. Of course food is an important part of life. Real food is meant to be enjoyed...savored...delighted in. But this artificial, processed, snacky, on-the-go, frankenfood is not edible and it certainly isn't something we need to be giving our growing kids...especially not in association with athletics. They need to learn that food is fuel, and if you want to perform, it is imperative to feed the body in a way that will give it the energy it needs. It is time to substitute the fake-fruit gummies and electric blue liquid for some of the healthy nutrition lessons that can be learned through sport. The last whistle has blown. We must stop rewarding kids with this insidious fake food, and start filling them with the tools needed to make healthy choices. Their little lives depend on it.

China...2012?

2012-01-04T19:23:00.000-08:00

It feels strange to say that we are revving up for another adoption, when really, we've never geared down. We always felt that a precious daughter from China was part of the plan...and we began following that road over five years ago. However, due to some providential detours, in reality the path wound up being much different (and better) than we had initially expected. I have the entire story posted on one of the pages above for anyone interested in reading it. We also made a video documenting the journey of our first adoption, which is posted in the upper right sidebar, "Bringing Home Caleb." In short though, the story began in 2006, involves a surprise pregnancy, then an extended wait in China, followed by an Ethiopian adoption, and still more wait in China...which brings us to present day.

At this point, the wait for a "healthy" baby in China is five+ years and climbing. We actually finished our Chinese dossier and were logged in (put on the wait list), almost three years ago, and it was also three years ago that we finished our Ethiopian paperwork. Our son from Ethiopia has been home for two years now...so you can see how this Chinese wait (which has occurred for a number of reasons and is another post for another day) can be excruciating...especially to those who signed on when the process was approximately 12 months start to finish. However, the Chinese restrictions as to which children are considered healthy are very strict, thus leaving a large group of children with mild special needs, older children, etc...that fall into the "special needs" category for that country. There is such a great need here and these adoptions can occur more quickly, with less wait. Still, it is not something to attempt without giving special consideration to what the reality is, and we wanted to be certain that this was the right path for our family. At this point, we are very comfortable with a mild special needs adoption and we know that whoever this little girl is, she is ours...and perfectly created for our family.

So, here were, about become active once again in the very unpredictable (and extremely amazing and challenging) world of international adoption. I cannot explain my reasoning, but I have always felt a longing for a Chinese daughter...I could see her in my dreams, envision her sitting on my kitchen counter...she has always been in my heart. We are currently making some prayerful decisions regarding the specifics and once those are finalized, then we hope to move forward in updating our paperwork and taking the next steps. We would love to travel to China sometime in 2012...but we also know that we have absolutely no control over this process. If there is one primary lesson learned in our Ethiopian experience, it was that nothing went as expected, yet it all still turned out beautifully in the end.

We were blessed by so much support from friends and family the first time around...we know that this journey is much easier if we do not attempt it alone. Hopefully through this blog we can keep people updated about where we are in the process, fund-raising, our time-line...and ultimately...post the first pictures of our little girl.

Stay tuned...more details coming soon...

Day One...21-Day Sugar Detox

2012-01-02T17:43:00.000-08:00

Day one. A fresh new beginning.

I'm full of enthusiasm for this new start...three weeks of thoughtful eating...jolting my body back into health. I'm ready, I'm committed...

...then I got out of bed.

Both my final thoughts before falling asleep last night and my first thoughts this morning were about coffee...and my lack of, for the next 21 days...the sweet, creamy kind in which I delight. After a short moment of silence for that loss, my mind then turned to breakfast. I've got four kids to feed, two with severe food allergies...so food restrictions are a norm for us anyway...but now I have to add my own requirements into our already crazy morning routine. Yikes...was this really a good plan...did I think it through or was it some ridiculous resolution made enticing by the hope of a new year? Was this even a realistic undertaking?

My conclusion was that I can do anything for three weeks. But it didn't hit me until this morning exactly how uncomfortable this process might be. I can't just go to my normal stand-by, busy mom meals...a quick smoothie, a bagel, or oatmeal. This was going to require some thought and planning...not something I excel at when it comes to the kitchen. I can do the basics, but I'm certainly not a chef and if I'm honest, I do not really enjoy cooking...wow...what did I get myself into?

So...day one began this morning. The first thing I did was get on the scale, which I hadn't done in a while. I weighed...

Seriously - if you think I'm going to post that number here then you've lost your mind. Let's just say it was about what it always is. I've lived much of my life a slave to the scale and I refuse to let that infuriating little piece of metal have such an influence over whether I have a good or bad day. So, I get on occasionally, but not often. If I'm making smart food choices and working out consistently, my weight stays pretty much the same. I have a couple of pairs of pants I use as guides...if they start to get snug then I worry. Otherwise, if I feel fit and none of my clothes are tight, I don't give it much thought. I wouldn't mind dropping a few pounds, but I'm not going to obsess over it and weight loss isn't my goal in the next three weeks. I just want to feel better, to see if I can gain more control over my cravings and to learn if I can avoid those late afternoon blood sugar drops that leave me ready for a nap.

I took a trip to the grocery store today too...to stock up on a few items we were missing. Meal planning seems to be the most daunting task at this point. The hubby is doing the detox with me, so I've got to find dinners the kids will eat (and that meet our current food allergy criteria), but also ones we can modify to suit our needs...because I certainly can't be doing a la carte meals for everyone...that would be insanity.

As I write this, day one is drawing to a close. I feel as though I've eaten a lot of meat, eggs, cheese and raw veggies...much more than I do normally. I suspect that some withdrawal symptoms will be appearing shortly, so I'm dreading the potential headaches and fogginess and hoping that I can persevere through that brief period. I think I did well today...no cheating and I was only mildly grumpy.

Only 20 days to go.

21-day Sugar Detox...begins January 2, 2012

2012-01-01T19:44:00.001-08:00

I'm not a big fan of diets or diet fads. After spending much of my life thinking food was the enemy, I've come a long way. I now see food as nutrition, as fuel...but I still battle those demons and it has been a long journey to this point. So...I run away from new trends, from advice on how to be thin...I run and don't look back. However, one of my dearest friends, Karina, is a trainer and also insanely intelligent - and knowledgeable in the world of health, fitness and nutrition. She is Italian and has recently switched her family to a Paleo diet...quite impressive, considering that years ago, to imagine her without pasta would have caused me to burst into hysterical laughter...an impossibility for certain! She has recently been encouraging a 21-day detox plan as a way to kick off the new year...to end those uncontrollable cravings and blood sugar spikes - to prepare the body to make healthy choices in the long-term...essentially, to eat counter-culturally.

I've been thinking about it for a while. Sudden changes and drastic restrictions in diet are very scary for me...reminders of the old days...days when I'd eat lettuce and frozen yogurt and call it a meal or when I'd spend 90 minutes running on the treadmill in anticipation of the calories I was planning to consume on a Friday night. I never want to go back there.

I feel like our current lifestyle is pretty healthy. I workout regularly and we eat a mostly organic, whole food diet. Still...I don't pay much attention to carbohydrates and I do notice the sugar highs and lows in my day...most notably...a 3:00pm crash that occurs almost daily.

So, the hubby and I are starting the detox tomorrow. What will I miss most? Probably my coffee...loaded down with cream and turbinado sugar...oh...I dread even thinking about a morning without my travel mug full of sweet heaven...for the love of all that is good, how will I survive?

The detox we are doing is by Diane Sanfilippo of Balanced Bites, and can be found at the link below:

21-Day Sugar Detox

Stay tuned for updates...I'm starting tomorrow.
Right now...I'm going to finish this glass of wine. :)

Created For Care (Adoption) Retreat

2011-12-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

Are you a tired adoptive mom needing some time to rest and refresh? Or maybe, you are waiting...longing...for a little one who is yours, but still not home? Could it be that you have a heart for orphans and want to learn how to love and serve friends and family in the adoption community?

Then this is the retreat for you...check out the link below:

Created for Care

I went last year and it was an amazing time of respite...leaving me with renewed passion and purpose. I would recommend it to anyone who may be touched in some way by adoption. It is a great time to bond with others who understand the joys and struggles of adoption, there are fabulous (and very informative) breakout sessions and overall, it is an amazing and blessed time. The January retreat for 2012 is full, but the last time I checked, there was still room in March...but don't wait...it will fill up quickly!

Christmas 2011

2011-12-29T13:18:00.002-08:00

Fall Fun

2011-11-01T13:18:00.000-07:00

Daydreaming

2011-10-14T18:32:00.000-07:00

I try not to spend too much time daydreaming about who my kids will be in the coming years. I mean, as they grow into adults, of course I have a broad vision of the path we are trying to follow, the path less traveled, but my hopes relate more to their hearts...their souls. I long for them to be believers. I want them to be loving, to be servants. I hope they have a heart for the world, I want them to be empathetic, to have an excellent work ethic, to put others first. But as far as the specifics...I don't spend a lot of time dreaming of sports stars or longing for academic over achievers or planning their weddings. I feel that as a parent, it is my job to walk with them and help them discover who it is God made them to be. If I have assorted hopes and dreams of my own, my own ambitions for them, if I transfer my idols to their little lives...won't it certainly hinder my ability to hear God? I don't want my voice to drown out His. Most days I have a pretty good handle on this goal for myself...to live in the day with them, expose them to a number of different avenues and just watch, pray and wait as they continue to grow. But I am sinful and weak and every once in a while, my mind wanders.

It happened just the other day.

For most moms, dreaming of little girls means pink and tutus, princesses and tea parties. But my weak moment surprised me as I walked into my bathroom and saw a precious pair of itty bitty pink soccer cleats lying on the floor. Like the flutter of a film real, I saw it...the love of a game that has brought so much to my life: dew on the grass before an early morning match, life-long friends, travel, fitness, college memories, the rush of adrenaline after scoring a goal, confidence, the bonds formed by being part of a team...I saw it all. In a brief flash, I longed for that for her...for us to share this sport that has been such a huge part of my life. My heart ached as I looked at those little shoes and knew that soon, those feet would grow. What if the beautiful game, as it is called around the world, could not only be mine...but ours to hold on to...together?

It was a fleeting moment, as I quickly grabbed hold of my thoughts and returned to reality. Of course she may love soccer...or she many not, but that is totally irrelevant. I am here to walk with these kids...to love them...to teach them....but I am merely a guide, here to shepherd...to help them along their way. I don't have to plan everything. I am a facilitator to help them discover who it is God has made them to be. I must remember this if I am to be the mom that they need. It reminds me of a passage I read in a book years ago, long before my babies were growing into little people. The author was writing about his thoughts regarding his son's calling and it has remainded with me for many years:

"What is his calling?" Perhaps he will be a welcoming pastor in a charismatic church. Perhaps not. What does it matter? He thinks he would like to be a cartoonist. He loves to draw. I don't care if he makes a lot of money, goes to college, finds a career, or sells Fuller brushes door-to-door. I don't want him to be happy, nor do I merely wait for him to find his way. I want him to use all he is for the kingdom of God. And my task is to delight in his passion, promote his desires, let him fail, and sit quietly with him on the porch waiting for God to speak to us both.

-"The Healing Path," by Dan Allender

It was fun to consider for a moment...a precious little one loving what I love. Many times, the control freak in me is exasperated because I am obviously not in charge of this thing I call "my" life. But my weaknesses and failings are being made increasingly evident as I attempt to navigate motherhood, and I think the mom part of me finds great comfort in knowing that ultimately, even my greatest daydreams are no match for God's plan.

10 Things Children With Food Allergies Want You To Know

2011-09-28T09:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, as the mother of a child with severe food allergies, it is a challenge to help others empathize with the issues facing my son. I completely understand, because unless it is something we have dealt with personally, it is difficult to imagine what these kids go through on a daily basis. But for kids with severe allergies, if they eat three meals a day plus two snacks...then at least five times a day, they are faced with life or death choices - and with being different...it can be overwhelming for them and terrifying for their parents.

I recently saw this article by Gina Clowes on the Allergy Moms website and thought it was great. If you have any contact with a child with food allergies, please take a quick minute to check out the link below...it is a short, easy and helpful snapshot into the heart of these kids:

10 Things Children With Food Allergies Want You To Know

(And the Allergy Moms website is a great resource for learning more as well...)

Back to School

2011-09-01T13:57:00.000-07:00

So Long Summer...

2011-08-31T13:56:00.000-07:00

What a summer! We had so much fun and I am feeling very sad to see it go...Here are some of the highlights:

A new cousin...welcome baby Evans!

Swimming...

Chattanooga...

Princess ballet camp...

A lego birthday...

Swim team...

Braves baseball...

Citadel father/son baseball camp...

PGA Championship...

And some awesome fun with dear friends...

Mama

2011-08-01T18:41:00.000-07:00

My first three kids spoke early and often and I took it for granted. Even now I am surprised by the breadth of their vocabulary. The babbles and giggles of an infant are some of the most precious noises to a parent, but when words finally begin to flow...it is as if a light switch has been flipped. Our little ones are no longer fenced in by the inability to communicate and as parents, we can stop guessing as they begin to provide stronger clues to their wants and needs. Plus, it is a precious time as we watch them discover that everything...everyone around them...has a name. It is the first opportunity we have at truly begin to "know" our kids.

We expected delays with Caleb. He spent his early months in an Ethiopian orphanage and his first exposure to English was likely on the day we met him at nine months old. A baby's brain begins wiring itself for speech early...and his brain had begun building the communication circuits for the language of his country...not ours. Just as he was ready to start forming Amharic words...we plucked him from Ethiopia and plopped him directly in the middle of a world full of English. Many times, when internationally adopted kids are transitioning to a new language, there is a period of time between languages when the kids are silent, not speaking much at all...and we experienced this with him. He was babbling when we met him and shortly after, and then it was quiet. But what I didn't anticipate was how difficult this would be, his lack of language, and how it would challenge us on a daily basis.

It is a struggle in any relationship, when one person is having trouble communicating their desires. Caleb's frustration was evident as he would try so hard to find the words, but his little mouth could not form them. I was never extremely worried that the issue was some serious underlying problem, because he found other ways. Through signing, pointing and noises, eventually we made it work. His receptive ability was amazing and he always understood what I was telling him, could follow complicated commands and picked up on things quickly...but still, the expressive communication was a struggle and I was desperate for him to speak...and so was he.

If he could have spoken at that time, I believe Caleb would have said that he didn't like me much. He probably would have told me that I looked, sounded and smelled different to him and that he hadn't had much consistency with my "type" in the past. From the day we met him, his dislike of women was evident and he has consistently (until recently) preferred men. When given the choice, he would have always picked his daddy or a grandpa over mom or grandma...always. It took much patience and diligence for me to earn his trust. For a long time, I was mothering a fairly silent baby - except during the raging tantrums...and mothering a child who had great contempt for me. It was hard and it was lonely. I was utterly committed, but it felt much like those times with a newborn...up with a screaming baby in the middle of the night...a baby that of course you adore...but in the lonely darkness you find yourself dreaming of the day they first smile at you...I was dying for some positive feedback. This went on for close to a year. After having him evaluated by a speech therapist, we learned that he might possibly have apraxia of speech. So, we were likely dealing with a child who would have had speech issues anyway...even if left in Ethiopia...and now they had been compounded by a move across the word to a completely different culture. We started speech therapy twice a week - and I was still waiting to hear this little one speak - not just sounds and babble, but real words...knowing it would happen eventually, but if I am honest, lacking the patience he deserved. The speech therapist assured us that it would come, we just had to be diligent with therapy and give him some time. Apraxia is a oral motor planning issue and it requires repetition and practice...but it would definitely be something he could overcome.

So we worked and waited. Two days a week, almost $500 a month (Did you know that our insurance doesn't cover speech therapy for developmental delays? Perplexing, yes...but that is another post for another day.)...and then, actually soon after we began seeing the therapist...there were words. It was slow at first, but our sweet boy was finally talking. And shortly before his second birthday came the word I had so longed to hear...he said, "Mama." Now, certainly that first "mama" was special with all of my kids, but with Caleb, it felt different...bigger. He would say, "Mama" and his eyes would light up as he waited for me to squeal with delight. He said it and he meant it. He wasn't just saying the word, repeating the babble...making the next logical progression in speech development, he was feeling it...possibly for the very first time. Mama. I could see it in his eyes. Finally, he knew, he trusted...I was his.

Months later, the words are coming fast and furiously. Pointing and naming...so proud of himself, so happy with the results it brings. We still probably have six months of speech therapy, but the progress has been tremendous. He just needed more time. He likes me now too...a lot. Evidently, he just needed more time with that as well. :) Yes, we're still behind verbally and much is undecipherable to the outside listener...but not to me...every word is precious...

...and none sound more beautiful than, "Mama."

Charleston (Summer 2011)

2011-07-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

We had a great trip to Charleston this summer. Not only was it full of beach fun, but we visited many of the great sights in that amazing city. There was wonderful eating and shopping, some historic outings to the USS Yorktown and Fort Sumter, and daddy's favorite...a visit to The Citadel bookstore to load the kids up with enough apparel to last until our next trip. Go Bulldogs (not the red and black ones)!

EMERGENCY! Ethiopia adoption in jeopardy...PLEASE ACT NOW!

2011-03-10T10:54:00.000-08:00

Following is the Joint Council Statement on Ethiopian Adoption...please see the bottom of the article for ways you can help!

Ethiopia: Statement on the Pending Reduction of Intercountry Adoption

3/7/11

Statement on Intercountry Adoption in Ethiopia

Last week the Ethiopian Ministry of Women’s, Children’s and Youth Affairs announced their intention to reduce intercountry adoptions by 90% beginning March 10, 2011. The Ministry’s plan for a dramatic reduction is apparently based on two primary issues; 1) the assumption that corruption in intercountry adoption is systemic and rampant and 2) the Ministry’s resources should be focused on the children for whom intercountry adoption is not an option. Without further announcements by the Government of Ethiopia, it is our understanding that the Ministry’s plan will be initiated this week.

The Ministry’s plan is a tragic, unnecessary and disproportionate reaction to concerns of isolated abuses in the adoption process and fails to reflect the overwhelmingly positive, ethical and legal services provided to children and families through intercountry adoption. Rather than eliminate the right of Ethiopian children to a permanent family, we encourage the Ministry to accept the partnerships offered by governments, NGOs, and foundations. Such partnerships could increase the Ministry’s capacity to regulate service providers and further ensure ethical adoptions.

The Ministry’s plan, which calls for the processing of only five adoption cases per work day, will result not only in systemic and lasting damage to a large sector of social services, but will have an immediate impact on the lives and futures of children. Moving from over 4,000 adoptions per year to less than 500 will result in thousands of children languishing in under-regulated and poorly resourced institutions for years. For those children who are currently institutionalized and legally available for adoption, the Ministry’s plan will increase their time languishing in institutions for up to 7-years.

Joint Council respectfully urges the Ministry of Women’s, Children’s and Youth Affairs to reconsider their plan and to partner with governments, NGOs and foundations to achieve their goals and avoid the coming tragedy for children and families.

Joint Council: Emergency Campaign for Ethiopian Children

What You Can Do:

1) Sign the petition to the Prime Minister of Ethiopia, Meles Zenawi – and pass it on!

2) Have you adopted from Ethiopia? Please send us up to 3 photos and 50 words or less with what you would like the Ministry to know about your child – we’ll compile the information and send a book to the Ministry of Woman’s Affairs. Send your photos and stories to advocate@jointcouncil.org by Sunday, March 12, 2011 to be included. Please note that sending photos and stories gives Joint Council unrestricted right to use the information you provide.

3) Share…Please send this Call to Action to family members, other adoptive parents, and everyone you know! Post, forward and share your adoption stories via Facebook, Twitter, and blogs. Make sure you include us in your posts so we can all hear your stories! Here’s links to our pages: Facebook, Twitter and our blog.

4) Stay informed: Get up-to-date information regarding the situation in Ethiopia by signing up to receive information from us: click here to do so, make sure you choose “country and issues specific information” and “Ethiopia.” And don’t forget to follow us on Facebook, Twitter and our blog!

5) Help ensure our advocacy can continue: Joint Council is a non-profit and receives no government funding. Please join us in ensuring more children live in safe, permanent and loving families. Donate today!

Go to www.jointcouncil.org for further information!

Ethiopia Day (Celebrating One Year Home!)

2011-02-07T12:26:00.000-08:00

Today we are celebrating Caleb's one year adoption anniversary. The picture above was taken shortly before we held our baby boy for the very first time. When I look at this picture with the wisdom of the past year, I see a terrified baby...a baby who was slowly slipping away - becoming more and more withdrawn with each passing photo.

We still haven't settled on a name for this "holiday"...but it has been an eventful year and it felt worthy of a celebration. I don't love Gotcha Day or Adoption day...seems like those terms 1)remind him of his loss 2)single him out from our other kids 3)are discouraged by many experts...just to name a few of the reasons that leave me perplexed about what to "name" the day. Honestly, I'm not even convinced this is a day we should specifically celebrate. If all of our kids were adopted...maybe so, but with the mix of bio and adopted...it complicates things and I want to be sure of the message we are sending to all of our children. This year, we called it Ethiopia Day and each of the kids received a small gift (Ethiopia t-shirts). We then went to a fabulous Ethiopian restaurant for dinner.
What we will do in the future has yet to be determined. It has been an amazing year though, as I've chronicled on this blog. A year full of both joy and struggle...and we have learned so much. When I remember back to the very first picture I received of Caleb...and compare that to the twinkle in his eye now...it is a different child. I still grieve those nine months that I missed, but I will probably never completely forget that loss. God has grown us through this process. For any who may be considering adoption, it will not be easy...and the journey only begins when you arrive home with your child...but it will be worth it. As I look at my precious son each day, I am reminded of God's love for me and I am given just a glimpse of the beauty of my adoption into His family.

Happy One Year home...Caleb Gebremedin Aleymayehu.

You are cherished my sweet little man. I am blessed that God chose me to be your mama.

Bringing Home Caleb

2011-02-07T08:13:00.000-08:00

**Remember to pause blog music at the very bottom of page before playing video...

Full Circle

2011-02-06T12:43:00.000-08:00

It has been a long year. Adoption is a journey full of many peaks and valleys. In the beginning, it is easy to get caught up in the emotions - the idea of saving a child...to be drawn in by endless hours of “Gotcha Day” videos that leave you weeping in your kitchen. But the truth is, as with anything else in life that is worth the effort, the reality is infinitely more challenging than our day-dreams.

As I write this, I am wrapping up a weekend spent with 250 other adoptive mothers at the very first ever (and now, hopefully, annual) Created for Care retreat. A weekend birthed because one mom simply listened to God’s whisper...and she decided to connect these like-minded women for a time of refreshment and renewal. I am so thankful. I am also approaching the anniversary of Caleb’s first year with us, as I return home the day before his "adoption day." I am weary. The task of raising four children looms hugely on my soul, but really, I am most exhausted simply from the very physical daily duties of caring for little people.

So this weekend feels like such a gift. What a perfect way to cap my first year as an adoptive mom. To be in the presence of so many moms who have walked this path, who’s heart have also been broken for these children, moms who are struggling to love these hurting kids back to wholeness...it is overwhelming. I have heard wonderful speakers and I have been blessed by precious times of worship. But the most amazing portion of this weekend has been the stories...one after another after another...all miracles, all ordained by God...all different. Some of these sweet women have walked the sorrow of infertility. Some had quite a few biological children before their hearts turned to adoption. Some have adopted one child, others two or three...one amazing mom had adopted eight children. There were those who had not yet brought children home, but had hearts for adoption and were in varying stages of the process. Most amazing, were those with true vision...not just for one child, but for entire groups or villages...beginning ministries that would change the lives of not one, but so many. I find those people awe-inspiring...to be brave enough not to look the other way...to be bold enough to step up to such an enormous task. But even if your call is simply for one child...that choice, to love one...will change generations...and the enormity of that cannot be underestimated.

I came into this weekend tired...so tired. Actually, because of all the fabulous activities, I’m still tired. However, my spirit is also renewed. God has once again reminded me why we began this journey in the first place. These are kids and they are suffering...and it is unjust and we must act. Not to would be to disobey Him. Certainly not everyone is called to adopt. As has been said before, need alone does not signify calling. But if we are believers, if we say we love Jesus, we are called to do something. We cannot shield our eyes from these horrendous images that rip our hearts to shreds. We must look. Our hearts must break...but then we must act. These are children. Children. They have no one to love them. They sleep on the ground or in the street. They suffer with curable illnesses. They are hungry, tired, naked, lonely, afraid...hopeless. We cannot pretend they don’t exist.

We must step in and in some way, give them hope.

I am still weary and I know that I will return home and continue to have many days when I’m begging God for the energy to make it until dinnertime. But my spirit is renewed. My passion is refreshed. I am content in my journey and I know that He has lead me to this place and He will give me the strength I need...to be the mother they need...and to follow His calling in my life.

I am in awe of what God has done in the two shorts days of this retreat and I cannot wait to see what develops from the sparks ignited this weekend. Thank you Andrea...for acting on those whispers...so many lives will be touched because of your boldness.

Random Adoption Topics: Attachment and Transracial Adoption

2011-02-02T13:16:00.000-08:00

There are a number of adoption topics which I frequently talk about either to friends considering adoption or to curious family members just interested in learning about what is relatively new language for our family. But two of the most important are attachment and transracial adoption. I thought both concepts might be worthy of a post, but there is a huge amount of research and literature and it always feels a bit overwhelming. However, one of my favorite bloggers has already said it much better than I ever could...so if these are things you would be interested in learning about, here are the links:

Attachment -
http://www.babeofmyheart.com/catching-up-and-more-on-attachment/

Transracial Adoption -
http://www.babeofmyheart.com/transracial-adoption-and-attachment/

The second video on the transracial adoption post is one of my favorites...that mama and her "baby" are precious and I hope and pray that Caleb and I will have a relationship like theirs.

Check out Andrea's blog if you have a chance!

Christmas 2010

2011-01-15T19:28:00.001-08:00

The pace of life in December is frantic...as if schools attempt to see how many mothers can be completely done in by the amount that must be accomplished. I am always desperately longing for the break...no early school mornings, no homework, no driving, no activities...so wonderful. I love the time home with my kids and it breaks my heart to hear moms say they are ready for their kids to go back to school. I'll admit, structure is nice and I adore a routine...but to be home with my munchkins and able to schedule each day however we'd like...I love that!

We had a wonderful Christmas. It wasn't Caleb's first Christmas, but it was his first Christmas with us...and that was so special. I don't remember a time when he wasn't ours and to think that I missed his first Christmas is very difficult...last year when my other kids were squealing with delight, he was sitting in an orphanage...a thought that is almost unbearable. In December 2009, there was a possibility for us to travel to Ethiopia during the week after Christmas, but due to a slow-down in Shashemene, we didn't go until February. It is amazing to think about where our Caleb was a year ago...such a journey. This year, we had a wonderful time with family and we enjoyed having very little on the schedule.

Here are some fun things we did during the holidays:

We made gingerbread men and houses...a yearly tradition!

There were school plays...

The kids wore their Christmas p.j's...also a yearly tradition...

Caleb immediately got the hang of opening gifts and he loved every minute of it!

We had Happy Birthday Jesus cupcakes!

We met Aunt Jenn's new boyfriend, Anthony (ok...we actually did this over Thanksgiving)...

Bailey spent time with her dear friend Emma...they have been best buddies since they were two...but now Emma lives in Oklahoma. :(

We hung out with dear friends...

Uh...we wore crazy balloon hats? :)

...and we welcomed the New Year!

It was a great few weeks...much fun, traditions, good times and memories...and I'm always a bit blue when I have to start back to the craziness in January.

Wishing you all a 2011 full of peace, passion and purpose!

Merry Christmas 2010

2010-12-25T18:48:00.000-08:00

*Don't forget to pause the blog music at the bottom of the page before playing the video.

Good-bye Crutches!

2010-12-06T18:21:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day at our house. Patrick had ankle surgery about a month ago and has been completely non-weight bearing and on crutches ever since. But today was the day...he was finally off the crutches!

Actually, most of his time at home was spent on this:

Yes...totally uncool and there are so many jokes to be made...and we have definitely made them. But really, it was a great tool to have around the house. Crutches hurt and are cumbersome, so at home he mostly used the knee-cart. It lacks some manliness, but it gives your arms a break and it also frees up your hands. If you facing a long haul on crutches, I think the knee-walker is well worth the humiliation. :)

So my sweet hubby is finally up and walking. Since this was his second micro-fracture surgery in two years, we are really hoping he sees much improvement. It was challenging to have daddy down and out for a month and we are glad to have him back...hoping the ankle is feeling much better this time around!

Caleb's First Haircut

2010-12-05T18:56:00.000-08:00

I finally broke down and took Caleb for his first haircut. I really loved his hair kind of long and curly...but it was getting to be fairly high maintenance...lots of time and product. I've learned a lot about ethnic hair in the last few months. Hair-care is a very big deal in the African American culture and Caleb's hair is very different from that of my Caucasian kids. The dear woman that cut Caleb's hair, Ms. Jackie, was so sweet to give us a lesson...explaining all about texture and curl, what to put in it, how often to cut it, etc. In my own unscientific survey, many Ethiopians seem to have hair that is not quite as coarse and curly as much African American hair...but still very different from mine nonetheless. There are a number of products to choose from, but leave-in-conditioner and hair butter seem to be the main needs...and obviously the process for little boys is much more simple than it is for little girls (hmmm....isn't this true for so many things). :)

Caleb actually handled his first haircut quite well. As you can see in the pictures, he wasn't thrilled...but he didn't shed a tear (each of my other kiddos cried during their first haircuts). At home, when he sees me coming with the conditioner and comb, he laughs and runs away...but then comes back and sits right in my lap while I comb through his hair. It is so cute and it is as if he already knows...this is just part of his life now - at least until he is older and we cut it much shorter. I love his new look...so handsome and grown up! I also love how he is looking at Ms. Jackie in the bottom picture...even with lollipop in-hand, he still isn't sure...

HopeLoveValor

2010-11-22T11:19:00.000-08:00

We have some new "adoption friends" who are very close to having their little one home. They have just finished their first trip to Ethiopia for the court date. All went well and it is only a matter of time before they will be able to travel back to bring home their son. While in Ethiopia meeting sweet baby Valor for the first time, his dad wrote these words and he summed it up so beautifully that I wanted to share them here.

"You pray, prepare and imagine in your mind what the day will hold. After nearly twelve months and 10,000 miles, that moment finally played out. Today I met my son, Valor. We hugged... he smiled and I cried. It was beautiful. Simply beyond words. I've been journaling and promise to share the details of this special day with all of you who helped make it so. Tonight joy consumes, but words escape me. It's the middle of the night and I'm sitting in a hotel room half a world away, pouring over pictures that I instantly cherish. Smiling through the tears and soaking it all in. Along with promise, we've learned that the journey of adoption comes with all kinds of uncertainties. But today every fear fell silent with one sweet embrace. An orphan no more, our precious son forever... perfect providence.
Daddy loves you Valor."

To follow the rest of this journey, check out their blog:

http://www.hopelovevalor.com

Happy 9th Birthday Bailey!

2010-11-16T05:24:00.000-08:00

Nine years ago today...I became a mommy for the first time. Back then, I wasn't dreaming about much more than having a scrumptious little baby to smooch. Sure...I knew it was a commitment...but really, I had no idea. The magnitude of motherhood is something that can't truly be grasped until you have officially joined the club. Ignorance is bliss...yes. I also think it has something to do with God not allowing us to see the breadth of the responsibility...if we did, the population would cease to grow because the process is entirely too scary.

Looking back now, four children and almost a decade later, I am overwhelmed by the way God has used motherhood to mold me. Daily, I am laying down myself to love and serve. I still have a so far to go, but I am definitely not who I was ten years ago and I am grateful for this journey. The heartache and inner turmoil of a mother are complex and painful, but the joy is so much greater than I'd ever imagined...living with a purpose...leaving a legacy. At times it is grueling work, but there is nothing I would rather be doing and God is always so good to throw me the sweet morsel of a hug or an, "I love you mommy," to keep me in the race when I am growing weary. What greater calling could there be than to raise little souls?

Today, on my ninth anniversary of motherhood, I look at my baby girl...whose next birthday will bring double-digits...and I see so much more. She is beautiful and so very smart and talented...but mostly, I am amazed by her kind heart and zest for life. She is up for anything and her attitude radiates happiness. Her spirit is contagious. I see all of that, but I also see the road she and I have traveled together during all of her years...the long process of laying down me in an effort to love her well...to know every inch of her little heart. I am so thankful God chose me for her...or more likely...chose her for me. :)

So, Happy 9th Birthday to my precious Bailey. You mean more to me than you will ever know - and you won't truly grasp how much I love you until you have babies of your own. You are a delight and you fill my heart with sunshine. You inspire me to be a better mommy and I will love you always.

10 Things You Should Know If You Are A 30-Something Mom Competing in Your First Sprint Triathlon

2010-11-12T11:20:00.000-08:00

1. The swim is scary at first. You won't be able to see more than a couple of inches in front of your face in the lake. There are flailing arms and feet everywhere and it is difficult to find space. Be prepared for that and if you can hang in there for 5 minutes or so, you will no longer feel like you are being drowned and it will start to open up. For those who aren't big fans of lake swimming (uh...me)...no worries. There are so many people and it is over so quickly...it really isn't bad at all.

2. Triathlon shorts are not flattering unless you are super fit (and I am not). They make your legs look like sausages and they are unkind to a mommy-tummy. I ended up wearing tri shorts made by Louis Garneau that had a higher waist and I really liked them...very comfy. Tri shorts have a small pad, rather than a big diaper like biking shorts. They are much more comfortable for running.

3. For a sprint triathlon, you will see ALL types of equipment...so don't be afraid. From $150 mountain bikes to $1,000 tri bikes...it will be a mixture of everything. It is a short race and unless you are a serious competitor, the shoes you are wearing, your helmet, etc. are not going to make a huge difference.

4. If you thought swim caps were not a flattering look for you when you were a kid...well...you can imagine how you will look in one now...almost three decades later...

5. If a course is said to be flat - it isn't...it will have more incline than you are expecting.
(The Lake Lanier course had rolling hills for the bike...no huge climbs, but the first 1/2 of the run was uphill.)

6. The race officials will write your age on the back of your calf. This is both good and bad. Good, when you run past a 25-year old...bad when a 60-something grandma passes you. Mostly, it is just humiliating because unless your age starts with a 2 or less...do you really want it written in Sharpie on the back of your leg?

7. Many tri jerseys have built-in bras. This will do nothing for you if you have any sort of chest (unless maybe your "girls" aren't real...no judgments here...just stating facts). I bought a jersey without a bra and wore two sports bras (yes...I always wear two bras when running). I was prepared for major chafing since the sports bras got wet during the swim, but with some Body Glide in the right places...I had no problems.

8. Plan for your transition time. It is easy to think you will move quickly, but it is amazing how those seconds become minutes tacked on to your final time.

9. Bike on the right unless you are passing...then pass quickly on the left (letting the other person know you are there) and move quickly back over to the right after you are a few lengths in front. It is amazing how many people don't know this and it can get dangerous.

10. Race your race. There will be a good mix of both "competers" and "completers." Don't look around and compare yourself to others. It is wonderful just to be involved - regardless of the outcome. In a sprint tri, you will see all types...from super-fit to supper-jiggly. If you are over 30 and have children, simply finishing one of these races is a great accomplishment. Just enjoy the experience and be proud of yourself!

Today is Orphan Sunday and Caleb has something he would like to say,

2010-11-07T17:21:00.001-08:00

"Hey! I'm not an orphan anymore, but lots of kids still are...147 million of them. Check out my cool t-shirt too! You can buy one at http://www.promise686.org and all of the proceeds go to grants to help adopting and fostering families. Please spend some time today praying for children in America and all over the world who need families."

Six Seeds...leave a comment and it will help widows and orphans in Zambia

2010-11-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

In honor of National Adoption Month...read an inspiring (and convicting) story AND help widows and orphans in Zambia...

SixSeeds -- a new parenting magazine has asked the Young family to be featured on their site for the month of November---National Adoption Month...BUT they let also let them tie the article in with WIPHAN. SixSeeds has pledged to give $2 for every comment! The donation will go to Wiphan for the kitchen so the ladies will have a place to cook a daily meal for the orphans and widows during rainy season. All you need to do is leave ONE comment!

The Youngs would be so appreciative if you check out this link and then share it with others (one comment per email address)...the goal is 1250 comments!

http://www.sixseeds.tv/s/content/adoption/662-adoption_the_young_family

Kale Chips

2010-11-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm always looking for ways to get more (organic) veggies into my kids. They really don't love any type of cooked vegetable and my best success usually comes by just putting out raw veggies and some hummus or a healthy dressing for dipping. However, this recipe is one that they will eat...and Kale is an important super-food, but it has a bit of a "bite," so sometimes it is a difficult one to convince kids to try. I saw Kale Chips at the grocery store the other day...a 2 oz. bag for $7...this is a much less expensive option.

-Preheat oven to 350 degrees
-Wash kale (be sure to dry completely)
-Break the leaves into bit size pieces (no stems)
-Spread pieces onto cookie sheet
-Spray with an olive oil spritzer to very lightly coat (you could also put them in a bowl and toss if you don't have a mister...I try to avoid cooking sprays due to the propellants they contain)
-Sprinkle with sea salt (you could season however you like...I enjoy adding a little cayenne pepper or something spicy...but this doesn't work well for the kiddos)
-Bake 10-15 minutes until crispy (be careful not to burn)

Enjoy!

I'm a Triathlete!

2010-10-21T10:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, it was a sprint triathlon...it wasn't 70.3 or any even more insane distance..but it had "triathlon" in the name, so that has to count for something...right?

I was extremely nervous in the days leading up to the race...wondering if I had done enough. After a summer of boot camp workouts, I really only had six weeks to do triathlon specific training and I wasn't sure that my body would cooperate. Trying to squeeze training into a schedule already full of the life of four kids and a hubby was quite a challenge. I had great intentions of eating well and getting plenty of sleep...but most days my meals were eaten standing in the kitchen while I made food for the kids...and sleep...that was totally out of my control in this loony bin of a house.

Still, I managed to complete the 400 yard swim, 13 mile bike and 3.1 mile run in 1:30:01. It was 28th place out of 78 women in my age group...and for my first time out, I was pleased. I felt fairly prepared and still had energy left at the end...I should have pushed harder, but I was so fearful of not conserving enough, that I saved too much. I could have done better on the swim. It was very difficult to find space and I spent much of the time dog-paddling and trying not to get kicked in the head, my transitions were a bit slow and while my hybrid bike was good enough, a road bike would have saved minutes. So, next time, I am hoping to drop off a good chunk of time.

Next time? Yep. What was most surprising to me about the entire experience was how much I LOVED it! It is hard, as a sporty mom, to find realistic avenues that fill my need for competition and athletics...and this did just that. The time commitment was difficult, but not impossible and it kept me motivated in my workouts and the training was an amazing stress release. I don't think I can manage to squeeze in more than one or two races a year, but it was a fun experience and I absolutely can't wait to do another one!

Also, there are a few very special people who helped me survive this process. First, my wonderful husband...who was so patient with me while I left him with kids so that I could go bike, swim or do whatever was on the schedule for that day. It was hard, but he new it was important to me...and I am blessed to be married to such a loving man. Secondly, my dear friend and amazing trainer, Karina. With a husband, job and three kids of her own, she still managed to find time to create a training schedule for me each week (for free!)...a schedule custom-built around my crazy life. She promised I would be ready...and I was. Lastly, I should thank my brother, Tyler. I'd been thinking about doing a race for a while, but he is the one who encouraged me to do this particular one (threatening to sign me up himself if I was too chicken)...without his "gentle" nudging I would still be saying, "Maybe someday." I couldn't have done it without any of them.

Life has been difficult lately...lots of loving and serving...which is what God put me here to do and I wouldn't change a thing. But the pace, the demands of life have made me much more appreciative of an experience like this than I ever would have been years ago...when I took my sports and my pre-babies body for granted. It was wonderful to have this time for me, to challenge myself, to have a goal to work toward...an unexpected little gift in the middle of a chaotic life...and for that, I am so thankful.

What's A Busy Mom To Do?

2010-10-08T17:40:00.000-07:00

I'm busy. Not any busier than most I'm sure, but my motherhood duties are enough that the topic of hobbies is not on my radar. We're still in survival mode to some extent and many days, I consider it quite an accomplishment if I manage to find time for a shower and "real" clothes. I had on jean shorts and a cotton top the other day and one my kids said, "Why are your so dressed up mommy?" Sad, but true.

So, what does every busy mom do when they need a few minutes of "me" time?

They sign up for their first triathlon. :)

Well, in the spirit of authenticity, it is a sprint triathlon...but it has triathlon in the title..so that counts for something, right?

Ok, yes, not every mom does this, only the completely crazy ones. Me. I've talked about doing it for a while, and in a moment of weakness, I said, "Yes" to my half-IronMan doing, biking machine of a brother. And before I knew it...I was signed up...there was no turning back...and it was only six weeks away.

Six weeks? Could I be ready? I had my doubts. My fitness base was respectable because I'd been doing boot camp for three days a week (at 5:30am...yuck) all summer. However, I had not spent any serious time in a pool in years, I'm an amateur biker at best (I have a hybrid bike; I don't even own a road bike) and distance running has never been my favorite thing.

So, I contacted my dearest college friend, who also happens to be a fabulous personal trainer, to see if she could work her magic. She was so kind to tailor a program just for me...one that factored in school meetings, busy days and kids activities. She was flexible and adjusted things accordingly. Still, I wasn't hopeful. I had visions of barely surviving the swim and then being able to go no further. But at the end every week, she would send the next week's workouts...and I stuck to them...diligently. I did everything she said, exactly as she said to do it and I only missed one day because of a conflict arose that was completely out of my control.

It was hard. I knew it would be difficult to squeeze in the training...but it was even tougher than I expected. I still have two kids home for the majority of most days and there really isn't much extra time when I don't have a little one in tow. Each day I tried to squeeze it in wherever I could...sometimes getting up early, sometimes working out in my basement and sometimes waiting until my husband got home from work. The logistics were often maddening, because I was always at the mercy of someone else's schedule. But what surprised me, even amidst the chaos of trying to add to an already insane itinerary, was how much I truly enjoyed the training. Even with as difficult as it was to make the time, I always found myself looking forward to it. The variety was wonderful...not having to do the same thing every day left me feeling ready for the next session. The distances were manageable...nothing felt too impossible. And each week I was feeling more fit...and that was the extra motivation I needed to keep going.

As the weeks went by, my sweet husband was so patient, but I could sense that he was struggling. It was hard to always have me either heading out to train or going to bed early or not wanting a glass of wine or a yummy meal...I wasn't much fun to be around. He could tell how important this was to me though and he hung in there...and I hope to be able to return the favor for him one of these days.

So, I stuck to my plan...not killing myself, but pushing to the point of discomfort - six days a week for six weeks. By week seven it was time to taper, and the workouts shrunk and the distances felt easy. The race was almost here...I didn't see how I possibly could be fit enough for a 400 yard swim, 13 mile bike and 3.1 mile run - but it was too late now. I was out of time.

But was I ready?

Houston, We Have a Problem...

2010-09-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

Just when you think you have a particular age and stage of a child figured out, they grow out of it. With little kids, discipline is pretty straight forward. A squeeze of the hand for the really little ones, time out for toddlers...it is all fairly clear because in most cases, the issue is one of the child's safety or just the teaching of simple boundaries. Sin, yes...but on most occasions these scrumptious munchkins don't even know the rules yet - making infractions much more tolerable for mom and dad. As parents, it is easy to get a little cocky about it - until one day you wake up with school-aged kids...perfectly capable of making choices, having their own opinion and with hearts in desperate need of shepherding.

Somehow the dawn of this school year has awakened a whole new era at our house. It is mayhem. Our tried and true discipline measures aren't working. It feels like the kids are constantly fighting or being unkind to one another. I'm hearing a tone in my big kids and I'm not sure where they learned to speak that way (uh...ok...if I'm honest with myself...I think I know exactly where they learned it). Chores are not being done. I'm yelling a lot. It just feels like chaos. My kids were little - and now half of them aren't and we've got to transition into this new life with big kids.

I like black and white. I like write and wrong. I want clear instructions...a plan to follow. This? This is really hard. There is so much gray and as our oldest grows and hits each new stage...it is a new experience for all of us. Maybe by the time number four comes through, we'll have a better plan. I was in denial, I think...under the delusion that I would have pre-schoolers forever. So, time to take a step back, to re-group. We've figured out how to do the little kids...diapers and care-taking...got it. The big kids...chores, homework, activities, heart-shaping...I have a feeling that we'll never fully "get it." It is both humbling and exhausting.

I am reading a book right now called "Creative Correction" by Lisa Whelchel (yes, Blair from the Facts of Life...who knew she was an amazingly mature Christian, home-schooling mom). It has been very convicting. She has some wonderfully unusual and practical parenting ideas. The inspiring part though, was her willingness to seek God's heart for her kids - her faithfulness in parenting Biblically...in shaping them not only so they obey her, but because she wants them to know and love Him. Before I consult a million other books, I need to get on my knees. I need to pray and search His Word. The task ahead is overwhelmingly difficult...fortunately I don't have to do it on my own. It is up to me to listen for God and to be obedient...but ultimately, they are in His hands and He has a plan for them...and that is a such a great relief because I am seriously unqualified. My own heart is a complete mess...why would I ever presume that I could truly fix theirs?

I think it is going to take time for me to put some new practices in place that will lead to a more peaceful and efficient household. I am awake now...out of my denial and cognizant of the reality of our new season. I'm not exactly sure how or what yet, but some attitudes needs to change. I think I'll begin with the heart in need of the most adjustment...

mine.

Adoption Update - Caleb Home 6 Months!

2010-09-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

Ok. So, my six month update is actually coming at seven months. Life is full and this is pretty much where I am right now. Getting things done, but usually not in a timely manner. Late and running behind are our new normal...and we are appreciative of any grace extended to us. :)

It is difficult to put words to exactly all that our family has gone through in the past six months ...both amazing and challenging. Even though the time has passed quickly, our trip to Ethiopia feels so far away. I think the biggest milestone is that we have reached the point where we can no longer remember life without Caleb. It seems that with the addition of each new little person there is a similar progression...from shock...to searching for the new normal to...normal. We are there.

Caleb is doing well. I could go into elaborate detail about the ups and downs of adopting a child...the many joys and trials that occur in those exhausting first few months. But in the interest of avoiding a four page post or sharing too much...he is doing beautifully. He was not extremely malnourished when we got him, and so physically, he is very close to a typical track. He's gained a good bit of weight and height. He is babbling like crazy, but we don't have any real words quite yet. He started walking shortly after his first birthday...he had a couple wobbly days and then took off...and now we can hardly keep up with him. I would say that any issues we have had have been more emotional in nature. We have had to re-parent through many of the stages you would have expected a nine month old to have already gone through...but he hadn't. (This is quite typical for kids who have spent time in an orphanage.) We made a significant effort to "cocoon" as much as possible early on (as much as was possible for a family with three other busy kids) and we were extremely careful for the first few months about his attachment process...not allowing anyone but the two of us to hold, feed, change, baby-sit or put him the bed.* He has grown more comfortable and content with each passing week. Occasionally, we see the fear creep back...but at this point, those episodes are growing fewer and fewer. Because he is at the age where separation anxiety can appear...sometimes it is difficult to discern what issues are part of his past and what are typical of any child his age.

It is amazing, as we look back on the journey, to consider how far we have all come. This precious little Ethiopian face is so much ours that we can't even imagine life without him. When we first met him, he didn't cry. He had one single tear that would roll down his cheek when he was afraid. He was shut down. Now...his laugh is infectious. He loves to wrestle. He can make a fish face. He loves cheese. He is happiest when all of the kids are home and our house is loud and crazy. He has quite a temper. He is a climber. He sleeps well at night, but is still not the best napper. He loves music and dancing. He loves balls and cars...and he has no problem voicing his emotions. For so long, we clung to his picture...we loved him, but we did not know him. Now, he is here and he is full of life and love - and I spend my days learning about him, attempting to know him as only a mother can. I am constantly kissing his sweet face...which has grown from thin and fearful to chubby and cheerful. Our other kids adore their baby brother and it is beautiful to watch them with him. They have no idea that not all families look like this and their complete and utter devotion is priceless. We could learn so much from the way kids love...completely...without reservation.

Thank you again to everyone for their faithful prayer throughout this entire process. We are overwhelmed by what God has done...not just for Caleb...but for all of us.

(*Just another reminder about attachment...in case you are considering adoption or know someone who is adopting...As I've mentioned in previous posts, children who have spent time in orphanages have had numerous care-takers. Because of this, many do not understand the concept of "parents"...two people dedicated to you...to meeting all of your needs in a prompt and loving manner. These kids must learn what a mother and father are...and that they can turn to them for everything. Otherwise, there can be emotional issues throughout life. Many times you will see children who have spent time in an orphanage or foster care and they seem overly friendly, willing to go to everyone...this is an example of a child who may have attachment issues...not really placing a higher value on their parents than on any other person in their life. If a child is unable to properly attach and form emotional bonds, it will negatively affect every relationship they ever have.)

Operation Silent Night

2010-09-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

(Don't forget to pause the music at the bottom of the blog before watching the video...)

Operation Silent Night - Wiphan Care Ministries from Wiphan Care Ministries on Vimeo.

www.wiphan.org

The Letter

2010-09-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

Since shortly after receiving Caleb's referral, we'd heard rumors that his file contained a letter from his birth mother. No one seemed to know for sure - first there was a letter, then there wasn't one, then there was one, but we were told it "wasn't what we thought it was." Since we were not going to have the opportunity to meet her (yet), we were desperate to compile as much "history" for Caleb as possible and a letter from his first mom would be priceless. What a wonderful piece that would be to the puzzle of his life - especially as he matures and begins to form his own identity.

When we traveled to Ethiopia in February, we saw the original letter in his file. We should not have left without it, but the agency assured us that it would be translated and sent to us. It was about ten pages - handwritten in Amharic. Upon returning home, we continually followed up...we had to have that letter. And finally, several months ago, we received a copy of the original along with the translation (the original has somehow gone missing again).

So, this letter - the one communication we have directly from Caleb's birth mother, has been sitting in an envelope on my desk since that day. I wanted desperately to read it, but I couldn't bare to open it. I knew it would be heart-breaking and it never seemed like the "right" time. Sure, I could have just thrown it in the car and read it at some break in my day - or maybe while I stood in the kitchen eating lunch. But that just didn't feel right. This was another mother - his mother - pouring out her soul and I wanted to give her the respect she deserved. I thought maybe Mother's Day would be a good time to sit quietly. Or maybe on Caleb's first birthday. But the time to sit, to be quiet, to process and pray, never came.

One night this summer, my house was quiet. My husband and oldest son were out of town and I had tucked the other kids in bed. The t.v. was off and there were not a million chores to be done. Caleb and I had a particularly sweet bedtime that night - with a lot of smiling and cuddling. When I finally laid him in his crib, I felt an intense desire to know more about from where he has come.

It was time.

So, I plucked the letter from the chaos that is my desk and I sat down on the couch...and I read.

"My dear son..."

The next ten pages felt as though I was reading a Psalm. This precious woman poured out her heart and soul to this little boy, this piece of her - in the hopes that he would someday, possibly years from now - read her words. It was heart-breaking and her agony was palpable. I would love to share her words here, but out of respect for Caleb, we are going to protect this for him...until he is old enough to decide how much of his story he would like to tell. We do have small pieces, but we are holding them...for him. However, I did want to share one brief paragraph - because it was so beautiful...

"My dear Gebresh, my life has sustained undesirable circumstances, With the will of the Lord who has brought me to this world, We shall meet one day and hesitate not, I could not stand the ups and downs you may face, My heart misses you dearly, let we not be against one another, Let us be steadfast in waiting for the Lord to bring us together, You should not feel sad in any manner whatsoever, My Lord is your shepherd who is ever closer to you than even me, your biological mother, May he allow you to live in faith and with grace, my dear flesh, my thoughts stretch out to you, my dear son, Gebre, you should not have any fear at all."

This is just a small piece, but I feel the need to keep the rest of it safely for him. She wrote the letter to her dear Gebremedin...and I will save it until he is ready. It was amazing though and I wept as I thought of her sacrifice...what a mother is willing to do for her child...it is a fierce and painful love.

One of the most surreal things for me about adoption is the concept of birth parents...not that they exist - of course they do - but what to do with that emotionally...how to process the information. Caleb feels so much mine, that there are many days when I forget that I didn't carry him in my womb. Of course I know that he has birth parents...I think about his mother and pray for her often. But to know that I am not his only mother...at times, they really seem like disconnected issues...obvious, but still so abstract and difficult to grasp. It is a challenge to sort through the depth and complexity of emotions. Some days I have so many questions I'd like her to answer about the early months of his life...and other days, she never crosses my mind because Caleb is such a seamless fit for my soul and for our family.

I long for information about Caleb's past. There are 9 months of his story "missing" and I will be grieving that loss forever. But for Caleb, as he matures and begins to discover his identity, the pieces will be even more crucial. To know who you are and from where you have come is an innate human desire. Any clues we have to aid his journey will be critical.

This letter is scarcely enough. It is almost unbearable to have just this, when my mind is racing with countless questions about this little boy who has captured a piece of my heart. I pray - actually, I beg God - that someday He will give us the opportunity to meet his mother. Based on her words, I think she is a believer...what a comfort to know that she will be in Heaven. But if God will ordain this meeting sometime during our course here on Earth...how sweet and precious.

For now, we have ten pages from Caleb's first mom. The mom who carried him in her womb for nine months and then cared for him for as long as she was able. It doesn't feel like enough - it isn't enough. But, when you have very little, it is amazing how grateful you can be for just a small crumb.

This crumb is one of our greatest treasures.

Summer Travel 2010

2010-09-01T18:07:00.001-07:00

Our summer this year was very busy...but it was fun busy. We were blessed with a number of trips that are not in our usual summer schedule. In addition to our yearly beach trip with my family, we also went to Michigan to attend a family wedding. While in Michigan, I had the opportunity to spend a day with my best friend from college and some of her family...it was a wonderful treat. I also took a trip to Hilton Head with some girlfriends for a moms/kids trip. We weren't sure how the traveling would be with all of the little kids in tow - but really - it went well and it was more enjoyable than any of us anticipated. A lot of fun was had by all and we are very sad to see summer go.

International Adoption Article - The Love of Strangers

2010-08-30T20:06:00.001-07:00

A friend sent me this link...one of the best international adoption articles I've read...short and simple...but very good:

http://townhall.com/columnists/MichaelGerson/2010/08/27/the_love_of_strangers

Summer Fun 2010

2010-08-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

Beach Trip 2010

2010-06-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

Above are a few pictures of our recent trip to Watersound, FL. We went with my mom and dad and my brother, his wife and their sweet baby girl (who is about the same age as Caleb). To say that a beach trip with four kids was relaxing might be a bit of a stretch, but we had so much fun and it was a wonderful change of scenery. Caleb loved everything about the beach and the pool and we felt blessed to be experiencing it with him. It was a great week of family time.

Spring Fever

2010-06-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

Wow...it has been a while since I've posted! May madness was crazy and June has been consumed by swim team and vacations. Here are a few random spring pictures...baseball and softball, May birthdays, fun with friends. I always love the time of year when we can get back outside after being indoors much for the winter.

Post Adoption Report

2010-06-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

As is typical with adoption, "done" is a relative term. Our last items of business are the Post Adoption Reports (PAR). These reports are basically a mini home-study that will be sent back to the home country in an effort to ensure that the adopted children are thriving and doing well in their new families. We have three PARs due throughout Caleb's first year home - one at three months, six months and one year post-adoption. These first three reports are completed in cooperation with the social worker who did our initial home studies. We are also required to submit photos - some of Caleb alone and some of him with all of us. Following the first year's reports, we will also be responsible for completing our own report yearly until Caleb is 18. I'm not familiar with the operations of other countries, but these PARs and pictures, are also compiled in a central location in Ethiopia - in the event that the birth parents would like to come view them.

We recently tackled our first PAR. On the surface, it was another piece of paperwork. The requirements weren't overly complicated or lengthy and most of it was completed by our social worker. But it was a bit strange to sit with my laptop, scouring pictures...wondering if Caleb's biological mother would ever see them. Which pictures would she want to see? Which would be too difficult? Would any of them bring her comfort and peace? Would she come to see them? Does she want to know how he is doing? I had so much running through my head that the photo selection portion became a fairly time-consuming and emotional process . It just seemed so important...in case she ever does see them.

So, the first PAR is complete. Compared to our previous paperwork, it was quite simple...although like every piece of this journey...it was a time of more reflection.

Happy 1st Birthday Caleb!

2010-05-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

Our sweet man is turning one today. It is still difficult when I think about having missed so much of his first year...and I imagine it is a sorrow that will always be with me on some level. His birth mother is also on my mind today. What a difficult time this must be for her - although I suspect that she doesn't need an anniversary to remind her that they are not together.

Caleb is a delight and he is doing the things of any one year old. He is babbling, mimicking, into everything and almost walking...and his smile is infectious. We are so blessed to have him and we are grateful to have brought him home in time to celebrate this special birthday.

Happy Birthday Caleb Alemayehu.

Re-Adoption Day!

2010-05-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

Today we had our re-adoption hearing. It is the day that Caleb's adoption was made official in the U.S. He will have U.S. citizenship, a U.S. birth certificate and he will have access to all of the rights and privileges given to any child born in this country. We were blessed that a law firm run by a member of our church has dedicated a specific attorney to do pro bono re-adoption cases. In a process that, at times, seemed endless...as of today, the adoption is complete and we are finished.

And now, the real work begins...

Small World

2010-04-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

I had a "moment" in church today.

We were sitting with Caleb and next to us sat friends who had just arrived home from Ethiopia with their two boys. Less than three months ago, these children were in the same transition home in Ethiopia...and today, they were in church together...so far from their homeland. Again, the dueling emotions of adoption surfaced. I hurt for these boys. I grieved that they had been through so much pain - loss of their first families, loss of their birth country, hunger, loneliness. These poor kids have endured tremendous sadness at such a tender age.

But then God brought that glimmer of hope and my soul lightened. I don't know if it is consistent in all churches, but in ours, there is a growing movement to be a "father to the fatherless." I can list so many families involved in loving and serving kids in a variety of different ways...through domestic and international adoption, short-term and long-term foster care, giving financially, making meals, serving as baby-sitters...and the number is growing. We even have quite a few friends who have adopted specifically from Ethiopia. How wonderful and amazing God's plan is. Will Caleb have other Ethiopian kids in his discipleship group? In church? Will he have kids of all races and ethnic backgrounds in his class at school? Will he have adopted kids with whom he can connect...his own built-in support group because, years ago, his church embraced God's call?

It is moving to consider. As I sat today next to three precious sons of Ethiopia, I was filled with emotion. These kids have come so far. Their journey has not been an easy one. But it is all part of God's plan...for us and for them. Scattered about the physical building today were quite a few Ethiopian children and a number of other families in the process of adopting from Ethiopia.

The emotions of adoption continue to be complex...but at that very moment I was filled with awe as I considered the sweetness of what God was doing...

How Are We? (Adoption Update)

2010-04-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

I still can't believe that we've been home with Caleb for almost two months. The process that took almost a year is already beginning to seem like a distant memory.

We are doing well...now. The first few weeks were difficult, really challenging. Due to orphanage life, Caleb was nine months going on about three months, and it was a bit of an adjustment for us. In reading and researching about adoption, we were prepared for this...it is quite normal for institutionalized kids to have some issues adapting to family life...but being prepared doesn't make the process any easier while in the midst of the experience. At first, Caleb wasn't on any solid food nor did he have a regular sleep schedule. He was also extremely fearful and he wanted to be held constantly (understandably so). At the same time, we were dealing with ferocious jet lag, kids who were slightly off from mom and dad being gone for so long, and a 5-year old experiencing night terrors. It was a pretty challenging month and a half.

Looking back on those first few weeks, it all seems a bit blurry now. It felt very much like having a newborn...the lack of sleep, attempting to establish a daily schedule, being tethered to an infant, trying to learn his different cries and needs, plus the keeping up with three other kids and the logistics of their very busy lives. We were exhausted...physically and emotionally. Maybe it was because I'm less tolerant of sleep deprivation now or because our lives are busier or maybe it was the combination of a long trip and the emotions of adoption, but the fatigue was greater than any I ever remember.

But after about 6 weeks home, Caleb finally starting sleeping through the night...he no longer needed that bottle or two to get him through. What a difference a good night's sleep can make! He is also so much more comfortable with us and more content in his surroundings. He is eating well and we are working on a nap schedule (naps have been a huge hurdle that we still haven't overcome). One of the most difficult aspects of the adjustment, has been walking that narrow line between nurturing him - giving him the cuddling and grace - that he so desperately needs (and deserves)...and beginning to establish the boundaries required to ensure that he has a good understanding of his schedule and how a family works. It is such a fine line...obviously he needs the extra "love," but we must also teach him how to nap, what behavior is expected in a high chair, daily routines, etc. At times, it is difficult to discern where that line lies and I am constantly wrestling. Am I being patient enough? Am I letting him get away with too much? Much of my day seems to be spent wandering back and forth between those two questions.

But now, after two months, we are slowly finding our new "normal." In reality, being the mother of four is vaguely similar to how I'd imagined it would be. It can be exhausting, but it is manageable - as long as I'm willing to lower my expectations....and I'm definitely letting more go these days. The laundry blob is inches from consuming us, my desk is covered with mail and I may never see my kitchen sink again. Things are not as clean or organized as I would prefer them to be and it can feel fairly overwhelming at times. There seems to be so much to do and I feel so far behind some days that I am almost paralyzed...not knowing what to tackle next.

But...if I take a step back...and truly evaluate things apart from by sinful need to be in control...Caleb seems to be settling in nicely and the kids adore him. He is oozing with personality and his smile is infectious. Our house is loud and crazy and wonderful...and I wouldn't change a thing. We have good days and bad days. On the good days, I rejoice in the blessings we have been given and on the bad days, I remind myself that God has walked with us during this journey and He has already carried us through so much of it...why would I even attempt to do it on my own?

Before and After (...one month at home)

2010-03-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

We have been home for a little over a month now. If I get lost in the minutia and busy-ness of each day, it can feel as though we aren't making much progress. But if I really take a step back and remember how things were back in February, I realize that baby Caleb is full of a joy now that was not present the first time we held him. Above are some pictures we received shortly before we traveled. These were taken after he arrived at the transition home (he had been in the Shashemene orphanage for 8 months prior to that and it was the only home he could possibly remember). They told us that he was such a good and quiet baby. But when I look at the photos above, I see a very scared baby who had shut down in an effort to control his environment in the best way his instincts would allow. Below, are a few recent pictures I took. I think the light in his eyes says it all - it was not there a month ago - and when I grow weary...this light keeps me moving forward.

Ethiopia - #7 (Coming Home)

2010-03-04T19:05:00.000-08:00

Our trip to Ethiopia was amazing. It felt so brief because we had almost two full days of travel there and back, so we were only in Ethiopia for five days. Much of that time seemed like a dream as we were feeling the combined effects of jet-lag and the overwhelming emotions associated with meeting a new child for the first time. I wish we would have had a few days early in the trip to do some sight-seeing and culture-absorbing. To have made the effort to travel so far to a country with such history...it would have been great to have some time to soak it in.

Even still, I have never been so ready to come home. I missed my two little ones terribly...my heart was aching for them. The 20+ hour plane road home with a baby was challenging. There was only minimal sleep as we took turns trying to keep him happy or sleeping or eating...anything other than screaming. We had a long lay-over in Amsterdam and we decided to stay at one of those in-airport hotels designed for exactly such a thing. It was a tiny little room, but the beds were clean and fluffy and it was so quiet...and we all slept and it felt like heaven. It was a delightful respite before our last long flight home. I glanced outside the airplane as we touched down in Atlanta only to find...snow! I couldn't believe it. We hadn't checked the weather and had no idea we were going to be coming home in the middle of a sizable snow-storm (by Atlanta standards). It was beautiful and it just seemed such a peaceful and fitting way to end our trip. The ground was white and quiet...and we were home - our hearts overflowing with gratitude for God's hand of protection.

It took quite a bit of time to get through customs and begin to track down our bags. All of our suitcases were lost and we did not get them until almost a week after we'd been home. If you look at our pictures above, you'll notice that there are no photos of just the six of us - because Patrick was standing in the "lost baggage" line for much of the night. Still, it was a joyful reunion and our little kids were so thrilled to see Bailey and to meet their new little brother.

Home sweet home.

Ethiopia - #6 (Shashemene)

2010-03-04T18:53:00.000-08:00

Initially, we were planning to bring Caleb home around Christmas, possibly leaving the day after or in early January. However, there was an unexpected delay and we had to adjust our initial travel plans. Caleb is from the Shashemene orphanage which is in the Oromia region of Ethiopia. There was some investigation being done in that region and adoptions were stopped for the entire area. We had been through Ethiopian court already and this precious little one was ours, but because of the freeze in movement of the children, he was "stuck" and he would not even be allowed to move to the transition home while we waited for resolution. We were extremely nervous as we were being given very little information and we weren't sure when (or in our dark moments, if) we would be be allowed to travel...would it be weeks...or months? During this time, so many of you were faithfully praying for resolution...and God answered quickly...the correct official was tracked down and he approved the movement of the kids who already had passed court and had parents waiting for them. We were thrilled, planned our travel for February and didn't expect to hear much more about the issue. But in God's sweet grace, when we arrived at our guest house in Ethiopia, we discovered that everyone there had adopted children who were "stuck" in Shashemene. It was such a special time and now these children will always have at least some connection with others from their orphanage. Our Gebremedin definitely recognized all of those kids and his little face would light up when he saw them...we are hoping it will be a wonderful connecting point for him as he grows older. This picture is of that first batch of Shashemene kids. (Please keep praying because due to ongoing issues, there are many children who are still unable to be united with their parents...and even one day longer is too much to spend in an orphanage.)

Ethiopia - #5 (Random Pictures)

2010-03-04T18:13:00.000-08:00

Ethiopia - #4 (Acacia Village)

2010-02-26T18:31:00.000-08:00

Our adoption took almost a year to complete. The "paper-chase" occupied several months and then many more months were spent waiting. At times, it appeared that there would never be a baby at the end of the journey - that we would spend the rest of our lives answering the recurrent question of friends and family...when? But once we arrived in Ethiopia, the pace felt uncomfortably quick. We left Atlanta on Friday and arrived in Ethiopia late Saturday. On Sunday morning we met our son and on Monday we signed papers at the Christian World Adoption Ethiopia office. Our paperwork was meticulous and our agency was very organized, so on Tuesday the long-anticipated Embassy appointment felt a bit anti-climatic...which I suppose was a good thing. The Embassy appointment consisted of a long wait followed by a quick review of our paperwork and a few questions about our child's history - and the adoption was final...baby Caleb could leave the country with us. On Wednesday, all of the "official" business was complete and we were finally beginning to feel a bit more adjusted to the time and comfortable with our surroundings. The visit to Acacia Village was a much welcomed chance to see some of Ethiopia. Acacia Village is a multi-purpose facility being built by our adoption agency consisting of multiple buildings (housing, classrooms, a health clinic, lodging, etc.) dedicated to meeting just a few of the needs of orphans in Ethiopia.

http://www.acaciavillage.org

Below are pictures of that trip.

Ethiopia - #3 (CWAE)

2010-02-23T09:49:00.000-08:00

Monday morning we woke up delighted to be with our new son, yet feeling completely exhausted. Ethiopia is eight hours ahead and the time change coupled with Caleb's nighttime feedings was brutal. It was such a short trip and we only began adjusting to the time change on the last day. We had a significant amount of paperwork to sign at the Christian World Adoption Ethiopia (CWAE) office. Following the paperwork, CWAE held a coffee ceremony for us. Many would say that coffee was invented in Ethiopia - and the Ethiopians take this tradition seriously...it is a long process that is a very important part of their culture. The coffee was quite good and Bailey even tried some (although she wasn't a fan). Below are a few pictures of the CWAE office and the coffee ceremony.

The pictures below were taken at our guest house. The first was of our room. We were hoping for a larger suite, but it was booked...so, once we were four, the room was a tight squeeze for the week - and the bathroom was down the hall. There was a courtyard outside that turned out to be a fantastic spot for the kids to burn off some energy - and the weather was so comfortable that we really enjoyed spending time outside. The bottom photo is the view from our balcony (notice the razor wire around the perimeter).

Ethiopia - #2 (Adoption Day)

2010-02-21T07:52:00.001-08:00

Due to a lost suitcase (yes...mine...anyone who knows me well finds this quite funny) and
our driver arriving late to the airport, it was well into the wee hours of Sunday morning when we finally made it to the guest house...completely exhausted. We slept briefly and at 9am the CWA driver arrived to take us to the transition home to get our baby. At this point, I'm not sure any of us even knew where we were. We were so tired that we were almost numb and everything seemed so foggy...as if it were happening in a dream. We arrived at the transition home, they handed us baby Caleb and we were allowed to take a few pictures, and that was it. Poor Caleb was so afraid. You could look in his eyes and see the terror...he hadn't seen white faces or heard English - I can only imagine what he was feeling...so scary. On the van ride back to the guest house, he didn't make a sound...nothing. There was only one huge tear running down his face. It was so sad because we could sense his fear and he was just shutting down - as I'm sure he's done many times before. At that point, reality began to set in for us...what other sad, lonely, scary things has this little one dealt with at such an early age?

It was surreal and I would have loved more time to check out the foster home and process things...but I think they attempt to minimize the disruption to the kids there by making the visits very brief. So, in less than an hour, we were back at the guest home staring at our new son and beginning the process of getting to know him.

Above are a few pictures of Caleb's first hours with us. What a day...to finally meet our baby - we had been staring at his picture and praying for him for so long. He was very tense and his fear was palpable...and heart-breaking. By the end of the day though, we did begin to see some smiles and he started to relax...but it will be a long process. He has to learn to trust us to meet his needs in a way they should have always been met...poor little man has been through so much already and it will take some time for his little heart to heal.

How Are We Doing?

2010-02-20T17:25:00.000-08:00

Many of you have been very sweet to follow up with us, ask how we are doing, offer to bring food and help and we are so appreciative. (Sadly, one of our kids has severe food allergies, so I've declined most of the food offers...we're just too difficult to cook for...but we do appreciate every one's willingness to serve.)

The rosy "we have a new baby" answer is that everything is going pretty well...exactly as expected at this point. Baby Caleb is adjusting quite nicely. He is happy and developmentally on track. We are finally getting over the terrible jet lag that left us feeling completely incapacitated. The kids are doing well and for the most part, they love having a little brother.

And all of the above is true. But the real answer is that it is also very difficult. Caleb is 10 months old, but he feels very much like a newborn. Because he was in an orphanage and had many different caregivers, it is imperative that he learns what parents are and that he properly attaches/bonds to us. Otherwise, there could be a number of difficult issues down the road because he won't be able to emotionally connect. So, to help this bonding process, only Patrick and I will be doing the care-giving for Caleb...for an indefinite amount of time. No childcare, no baby-sitters. We do all of the feeding, changing, comforting, etc. We've let the grandmas hold him, but we're really not even allowing anyone else that opportunity for a while. Obviously I'm not nursing, but it feels very similar to that since he is basically tethered to me. Caleb wasn't on any solids yet, so we are gradually introducing those....but at this point, he prefers a bottle. He isn't sleeping well during naps or at night, so we are trying to establish those patterns while still allowing the grace he needs because he is so fearful. The big kids are adjusting pretty well, although our former baby is having a bit of a difficult time finding her new place. We are extremely tired and have had many moments wondering how we are going to weave this fourth child into an already crazy schedule. We had grown quite mobile as a family...and now we're toting an infant again. It has been a difficult week...and I've had help! I am terrified of "doing life" with four kids by myself and I have so much doubt about being up to the task.

There is such a "rosy glow" painted of life after a new baby comes home...whether biological or through adoption...and it is a very a special time. Looking back, it feels as though that time passed so quickly...but when in the middle of the sleepless nights and endless feedings and diapers, time appears to stand still. :) It is also a season of great doubt, fatigue...and looking back...great adjustment and change. It is not easy to lay down my selfishness, my impatience, my lack of faith so that I can love and serve another person...no matter how cute that little person is.

We are joyful and thankful...and we are also tired and afraid. My heart is bursting with happiness...and it breaks when I consider the task ahead of me. This is life. Growth isn't easy. Our prayer is that God continues to meet us in this journey because we certainly cannot do it on our own strength.

What's in a Name?

2010-02-18T13:33:00.000-08:00

Choosing a name for a child always feels like a monumental task. Every parent wants the "perfect" name...a name they love, a name that suits their sweet baby, but one that he can grow into as an adult. For some reason, finding a name for our most recent addition felt as though it carried even more importance. I don't know if it was the magnitude of adoption, the journey God took us on to bring us together, or the cultural implications of being part of a biracial family...it just seemed imperative that we consider many angles.

The reason we picked Caleb is three-fold. Firstly, it is a Biblical name. In most cases, whatever one's race or ethnicity, Biblical names are acceptable and quite common. They are rooted in tradition and withstand the test of time. Also, Caleb is a fairly popular American name right now. We want him to blend well into this culture and not have a first name that is so unique he is constantly spelling it or feeling out of place. Lastly, Caleb spelled with a "K" (pronounced Kah-leeb) is of African origin...which was our last hope for a name - that it was connected to his heritage. The name Caleb was one of only a few that met all three criteria.

Baby Caleb's birth name is Gebremedin Alemayehu. Gebremendin doesn't necessarily "mean" anything...it is more of a homage to a particular region in Ethiopia. Alemayehu means "I have seen the world" (it is beautiful when Ethiopians say it, they run the last few letters together into almost one syllable) and it was his mother's second name, but it came from her side of the family, not his fathers'. We wanted to honor his biological mother and we loved the symbolism in the meaning of the name.

So, after much discussion - we decided for certain only days before traveling to meet him (although Patrick will say he knew the name long ago, I'm a bit more non-committal) - we had finally arrived on a name for this precious child God had chosen for us long ago...

Caleb Alemayehu.

Ethiopia - #1 (Travel)

2010-02-17T17:40:00.000-08:00

Our trip to Ethiopia was amazing...the trip of a lifetime. During our days there, my husband and I kept saying to one another, "Can you believe we are in Ethiopa?" It just seemed so unreal. The paperwork was over and we were actually there...to bring home our little boy!

The "getting there" was quite a process - and for me - one of the most challenging aspects of the trip. I'd been keeping a packing list for months. As the day neared, we set up two folding tables in the dining room and began piling stuff on them as needs came to mind. I felt that the packing stage had started months before, yet I still only finished at 2:30am the morning we were to leave. We packed our things, items for the baby, donations for the orphanage...we were loaded down.

Leaving my little kids at home was heart-breaking. To kiss them good-bye and get on an airplane to travel so very far away was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I prayed a lot. I spent a lot of time focusing simply on the next step, because the big picture was so hard and scary. It was a long flight from Atlanta to New York to Amsterdam to Khartoum (for a brief refuel) to Addis Ababa....over 25 hours. At this point, I'm still feeling that if I never fly again it will be too soon. (I know this will pass - it was just a very long journey.) Below are a few pictures...some of the donations we took, our travel day...

Home Sweet Home

2010-02-13T18:25:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize that it was snowing in Atlanta until our flight from Amsterdam landed and I looked out the window. I'm so thankful we were still able to travel home and did not have to spend another night away. Our trip to Ethiopia was amazing...truly like none other. We saw and experienced so much. We made many wonderful new friends. It was exhausting and exciting and I am so thankful we were given this opportunity. I am thankful for our new baby boy. I am thankful that we made it home safely and are together as a family again. I am thankful for the wonderful friends and family who have supported us in this very long journey.

I have so many pictures from our trip. Right now, I'm just trying to get sweet Baby Caleb comfortable in his new surroundings. I am also attempting to recover from the jet lag in an effort to re-enter my life. Hopefully after a few days, I can get back on track and post a few photos.

Introducing...

2010-02-12T00:47:00.000-08:00

Caleb Alemayehu

born: May 25, 2009
found his forever family: February 7, 2010

(more later on the name...)

Traveling Back to Atlanta

2010-02-12T00:37:00.000-08:00

We are sitting in a hotel room in the Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam resting during our layover...then we're headed back to Atlanta. The trip has been amazing and educational...physically and emotionally exhausting...wonderful...so many things. I have spent much of the time processing emotions - many of which took me by surprise...Ethiopia is a wonderful country with beautiful people - but it is so complex and many of the images I saw will stay with me forever. More about that later...just a quick update for now. We are all doing well...Baily was a amazing - hardly a complaint and she was hungry and tired for most of the trip. Baby is great - many happy times with him, but when he is faced with a new environment, I can see him start to shut down and no sound comes - just a silent tear down his cheek. We pray that God heals his precious heart. Patrick and I are completely exhausted...jet lag and late night feedings have left us in a fog. I don't know how many times we turned to each other during the trip and said, "Can you believe we are in Ethiopia?"

Thank you to everyone for your prayers...we feel so blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives. Please continue to pray for safe travel as we make our way to Atlanta...and for adjustment as we try to find the "new normal" for our family of 6!

One day to go...

2010-02-03T19:00:00.000-08:00

I can't believe we are one day away from leaving for Ethiopia. The emotions are overwhelming. The packing is overwhelming. Life is overwhelming. I'm sad to leave my little kids for over a week. I'm excited to finally meet our baby boy. I'm dreading the long trip. I'm fearful of life with four kids. I feel blessed to be a mother. I'm terrified of the process of adjusting to our "new normal." I'm thrilled that this day is finally here. I'm humbled by the prospect of becoming a biracial family. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm a mess.

Still though...it is time to bring home this baby and I have peace in that. God has called us to this and, even in our trepidation, we are aspiring to be obedient. We've taken this process little by little and we'll just keep taking "baby steps" through the emotions until we are back in Atlanta with our new little man.

If you feel led, we would covet your prayers during this time.

New Pictures

2010-01-29T10:11:00.000-08:00

Updated Adoption FAQs

2010-01-24T18:09:00.000-08:00

A few more adoption FAQs...

What is the baby's name?
We haven't decided "officially" yet...although this is driving my husband crazy. He has it narrowed down to one and I have a list of 3-4, so there has been some "discussion." There is a lot to consider when naming a child - and even more so in this case...a child from Africa who will be living in a biracial family - we feel that we owe it to him to put significant consideration into his name. His middle name will be some portion of his birth name.

Are you excited?
This is a tough one. We are excited to have our baby home and our family safe and together. YES! However, as we process all that is involved...traveling so far away to an unfamiliar country, leaving little ones at home and missing them terribly, experiencing poverty and orphans, meeting the needs of a baby we already love, but know nothing about...it is a lot to process and I don't know if "excited" is most accurate description of our current emotions. :)

What do you have to pack for travel? The packing list is quite long. Obviously, we have to take all of our personal items...clothing, toiletries, etc. Women are expected to dress conservatively, so shorts or shorter skirts are not an option for me - pants and long skirts only. We also have to pack everything that the baby will need. He will leave with only the clothes he is wearing (and they even encourage families to bring an outfit to leave at the orphanage to replace the one he takes with him). So...that means formula, wipes, diapers, clothing, toys, blankets, bottles and all other things baby. At this point, I don't even know what size he is or what is eating schedule is like...we are hoping to have this information before we travel in two weeks. We'll also be taking snacks. The guest house will feed us breakfast and dinner, but we are on our own for any other food. We will be buying bottled water once we get there. We will also have mounds of paperwork...items for our embassy appointments to ensure that the baby has all the documents he will need to return to the U.S. with us. We'll have all of our electronics - cameras, computer, voltage adapters - in the desperate hope to document our trip and stay connected while we are there (this could be a challenge, as we've heard Internet service it difficult to find). We will pack books, card games and various means of entertainment to keep us busy during long waits and time spent hanging out at the guest house. We are also taking two bags of donations for the foster home. They are always in need of items and families are encouraged to bring things as they are able.

How long is the trip?
The trip is about 24 hours, depending in layovers and how you break it up. We will go from Atlanta to New York to Amsterdam to Addis Ababa...but there are a number of ways to do it. Unfortunately, there is no easy way to get there and the trip is extremely long regardless of how you break it up.

Where do you stay?
We will be staying in a "Guest House"...I suppose you could compare it to a Bed and Breakfast...an Ethiopian bed and breakfast. :)

What will you do while you are there...why does it take so long?
There is a series of steps we must follow in order to obtain the necessary paperwork for our son to leave the country.
Saturday - We will arrive in Addis Ababa.
Sunday - Day to acclimate, if getting the baby is not an option, we will spend some time in the city shopping
Monday - We will pick up our son by Monday morning.
Tuesday - We have our appointment at the Embassy to finalize the adoption paperwork.
Wednesday - We will be visiting Acacia Village. This is a complex being built by our adoption agency's foundation. It will meet the needs of some of the mothers and orphans in the area.
Thursday - We will be going to the American Embassy and Dutch Embassy to obtain travel visas for the baby.
Friday - We were hoping to leave to head home on Friday, but we were unable to find a suitable flight (we couldn't leave too early because there is the possibility that we will not have some of the necessary documents until late Friday).
Saturday - Heading home
Sunday (Valentine's Day) - Arrive in Atlanta

Once you bring him home, is the paperwork finally over?
No. Upon returning, we will begin the process of re-adopting him in the United States...this will allow him to have a U.S. birth certificate. There will also be yearly post-placement follow-ups with our home study agency.

I know there are more questions we are frequently asked...I will continue to post additional FAQs periodically.

Tears

2010-01-24T17:35:00.001-08:00

I cry a lot lately.

Strange, because I'm not an overly emotive person. I don't know if it is just my personality or if it comes from years of stuffing it down in order to appear "tough." My husband has labeled the phenomena - he calls it my "emotional beta-blockers." There are so many instances in my life when I have longed to be able to generate more emotion, so that I could assure people of my sincerity. But many times, I just can't get my outward emotions to match was is going on inside my heart.

But this process, I don't know...the emotions are overwhelming. I'm not sure what the tears even represent...I think mostly just exhaustion and fear of the unknown. Our baby has known so much sadness. We are traveling very far away from our little ones for quite a few days and I already ache for how much I will miss them. There is much to be done before we are able to travel. Ethiopia is not surrounded by "friendly" countries and that fear is constantly lingering. We don't know how the health of our baby will be when we finally meet him - what issues we will be dealing with long-term. Life is full and not ceasing to allow me to pack and prepare. The trip will be long and difficult. The whirlwind of "what-ifs" swirls continuously in my brain.

It is too difficult to process. Too many questions. Too much to sort out. So I weep. I'm a little uncomfortable with it because it isn't how I am wired, yet it is beginning to feel amazingly helpful. I cry. I pray. God meets me.

There will be those who read this who are at a different point on this same journey of adoption. Be prepared, that as the day to meet your little one grows closer, the tears will flow more freely. If you are a loved one of someone navigating an adoption, be sensitive to the complex emotions and realize they may need a little extra care and concern. They are fragile right now. If you are like me, and you find raw emotion to be terrifying, try to let go a little and embrace the tears. I am finding it a quite helpful way for my heart to deal with not knowing what else to do. :)

Embassy Date

2010-01-16T07:21:00.000-08:00

Our embassy date is February 9!

After beginning this process almost a year ago, we have reached the final leg. The delay in Shashemene left us feeling as though this day would never come. But so many have prayed so faithfully and God has answered boldy.

Much of the adoption process if filled with fear of the unknown. Someone said to us that by the time we are to travel, we will be so ready to bring our child home that much of our fear will fade. We have reached that point. I am still very humbled by the idea of becoming a mother of four. There are mothers who do their job quite gracefully, but I am not one of them. I slug out domestic life to the best of my very limited ability, but never in my dreams did I envision that I would be responsible for the hearts of all these kids. It is daunting. But we are absolutely ready to scoop up our precious little angel and bring him home to his forever family. He is ours. (The parallels between adoption and God's love for us are astounding...He scoops us up, out of the "muck and mire" and we are His.)

We are as ready as we can be and praying that God meets us in the rest. Baby steps.

Time to start packing...

New pictures (taken this week)!!!

2010-01-14T07:07:00.001-08:00

Our Son is in Addis!

2010-01-13T09:10:00.001-08:00

We just received an e-mail from wonderful Patricia (our caseworker) entitled: Your son is in Addis today!!!

Her e-mail read, "The children were moved from Shashemene today and will be going for their embassy physicals tomorrow! It's a happy day!"

My heart did a flip flop and there is much to celebrate at our house today. Finally - we are moving forward again!

As typical with adoption, my joyful heart still feels the underlying sorrow. Our baby has just left the home he has known since June...probably the only home he remembers. Is is afraid? Is he sad? Will he miss his nannies? Will he miss his "friends?" He is old enough to be terrified and confused and I wish I were there to comfort him. I have to rest in God with this or I will make myself insane. He will be getting very good love and care at the transition home...and we are one step closer to him....and that is good news!!!

Good News...Movement Happening!

2010-01-11T17:27:00.000-08:00

We received a wonderful e-mail from our case worker this morning...

Our adoption agency had placed a request that all court approved children in Shashemene be authorized to move to the foster home, so that embassy medicals could be coordinated and their waiting families could be given embassy dates...and the request was approved! There were several children in Shashemene whose parents had made it through court, but the children were basically "stuck" due to the Oromia issues. We were one of those families and this means that, after today, we are one HUGE step closer to bringing home our baby boy!

This is an answer to prayer as the situation seemed stagnant and hopeless for quite some time. They are still not moving other "referred" children out, nor are they processing any new adoptions from that region. If children are not being transitioned out of these orphanages to their families, then 1) they are forced to spend unnecessary time in institutional living and 2) it leaves orphanages that are too overcrowded to take in additional children. So...more prayer is needed until this issue is completely resolved.

Today's news was major progress and we are elated. There is still a small chance of late January travel, but it will likely be early February. As soon as they get our little guy moved to the CWA foster home, we can be given an embassy date and travel planning can begin.

We were yearning for good news...what a wonderful Monday!

Thank You

2010-01-10T19:46:00.000-08:00

Thank you dear friends and family for not succumbing to adoption fatigue. Each week, you ask, "Any news?" or "When are you leaving?" and each week we give the only reply we can, "Nothing yet." But you continue to call and e-mail...you haven't given up on us...and we are so grateful. Our support group is amazing and I am continually humbled by the number of people who seem truly invested in our journey.

Once again, sadly, nothing to report. Apparently, everything in Ethiopia takes "a few days." It is an oral society and one can't just pick up the phone to handle issues. People must be spoken to in person, so in order to move forward with anything, the particular official in charge must be physically located. Obviously, this can be quite a challenge and provides some explanation for delays that seem to take much too long by our American standards. Last week, the official that our agency needed to speak with (about the issue in Oromia) was traveling to the various orphanages in the region and could not be located. It was also Ethiopian Christmas and so life was slowing as offices prepared for a few days off to celebrate the holiday. It was a frustrating week filled with very little information.

We are desperately hoping for good news this week. To think of our little boy spending any more time in an orphanage is breaking our hearts. We covet your prayers for this process and for him.

Thank you for checking in with us again. We are truly blessed.

New pictures

2010-01-04T18:46:00.000-08:00

We just received these photos this morning. They were taken in November 2009, so technically they are not new...but they are new to us! :)

Just a Few Weeks?

2010-01-01T18:16:00.001-08:00

"It is just a few weeks, right?" These are words that I find echoing in my brain as I attempt to calm my anxious heart during the delay in our adoption process...just a couple of weeks longer. But then the thoughts come - the life our baby is living right now, the milestones we've missed, the months we can't get back. Weeks? Each day that passes feels like an eternity.

I have missed that sweet new baby smell and the feeling of a precious little peanut melted in my arms after nursing him to sleep. I have missed those first gummy grins and giggles. I have missed his first bath and his first Christmas. My little one doesn't know what it is like to have a mom there to meet his every need - to change his diaper when he is wet or calm him when he is afraid. He doesn't know a full tummy. He doesn't know the fun of splashing in a leisurely bath with rubber duckies and toy sailboats. I have missed those precious cuddles of an infant and the twinkle in his eyes as I greet him each morning. He hasn't seen the sparkle in my eyes when my heart lights up at merely the thought of him. He doesn't have his own blankets or toys or a quiet place to sleep peacefully. He doesn't have a mom there every day talking to him, doting over him, loving him as only a mother can. He is growing and changing quickly and we are not there to see it. I may have even missed his first tooth. I have a niece here in town who is about the same age as our baby so far away - and almost every day of her life thus far has been documented with photos..probably in the hundreds. We have about 7 pictures of him. I don't know his exact birthday. I don't know if he is rolling over or sitting up. I don't even know his schedule, when he naps or what he eats.

When we bring him home, there will be so much to celebrate. Our focus will be on the present joy and the task of restoring him to health after the early months of poverty, parasites and loneliness. But for now, we are focused on the days that are passing without him. A friend wrote to me the other day mentioning that she had to mourn the months she missed in her adoptive son's life. I am beginning to fully grasp what this means - there is a tangible loss and I would imagine it only grows stronger after you fall more deeply in love with your child. As a mother, one of my most important goals is to truly "know" my kids - but with this little guy - there will always be a piece missing.

I hurt for what we've missed. I ache for what he has lived through. I know that God is in control and all of this is part of His perfect timing. But what I feel right now is that "just a few weeks" is too long to wait.

Still nothing...

2009-12-31T18:56:00.001-08:00

The last news that we received about our little boy was that there would be no news either way until early next week. The hold up in the Oromia region (our child is in the Shashemene orphanage) is complicated to explain, but the majority of the issue now is related to bureaucratic process...official announcements, leaders being out on field visits, etc. This is beyond frustrating. To wait is difficult...but to wait for longer than necessary for no apparently good reason feels unbearable. We received our referral on September 8 and we were approved in court on November 18 (after a minor delay on November 17). We know of several people with court dates around ours - one is already home and one is traveling this week - and at this point we have already missed the cut-off for a January 12 embassy date.

To know that our sweet baby boy is "living" in an orphanage even for a few extra weeks is excruciating. We are hoping and praying that next week will bring news of an embassy date.

Mommy Forgot to Give Me a Nap...Part Deux

2009-12-26T16:27:00.001-08:00

Scroll down a few of posts and you will see a photo of our precious (and very independent) #3 on a busy weekend...when we forgot about nap-time. Below is a second installment.

They seriously want to give me another child? :)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

2009-12-26T14:12:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the kiddos. I posted this on FB too, since sometimes it doesn't play well on my blog because I already have another "playlist."

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T14:09:00.000-08:00

Still no news...

2009-12-16T20:48:00.000-08:00

We thought we were so close. A couple of weeks ago, there was still a chance we could be given a December 29 embassy date. However, the continued issues in Shashemene have made that impossible. Last week, we heard that things were resolved and at any moment our little man would be moved from the orphanage to the foster home. After days without much communication or resolution, our adoption agency began to probe further. Apparently, they had been getting information from the orphanage, but upon calling the government directly, they learned that things were not as close as they appeared.

As of yesterday, we are still awaiting formal word from the Oromia officials and until that happens, no children will be relocated. So...we wait again. We are desperately hoping to have the baby moved, so that we can be given a January 12 embassy date - but it has to happen quickly. We don't need a lot of time, but we need at least a few weeks to ensure that the embassy date is still open, to find lodging, to organize logistics at home and to avoid spending extra thousands of dollars on airline tickets.

The hope is still that good news could come any day - and we pray this is true. I've been relatively peaceful up to this point, but the longer it continues, the more difficult it gets. I have an empty nursery upstairs that is stocked and ready for a little one...and that little one is currently spending his days in an orphanage without a family to love him. We are growing weary and it is unbearable that he would be lonely for even one more day.

Sometimes when you are #3, you have to put yourself down for a nap...

2009-12-06T20:07:00.000-08:00

We had a busy Saturday cleaning out bedrooms, decorating for Christmas, etc. Emmy never looked tired and we were so preoccupied we forgot nap-time. We found her here...poor third child put herself down for a nap.

No Embassy Date Yet...

2009-12-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

No news yet regarding our embassy date. There are a few things that must happen before we will be assigned a date and we are just waiting for all of those items to fall into place. On December 1 we learned that the investigation in Shashemene was complete. This is great news firstly, because referrals will once again begin flowing out of Shashamene. Secondly, it also means that our baby will be moved from the orphanage to the CWA foster home in the next week or two. This is exciting because the care at the foster home is quite good and it also means he is one step closer to us. However, it is painful to think about how our little guy will be affected by the move. He has been in Shashamene since about June and this will be another big and difficult transition in his very short little life.

This week we also received an e-mail containing his birth certificate. It is surreal to look at an Ethiopian birth certificate for a baby we have not yet met...and the birth certificate has our last name on it.

So, we are getting close to an embassy date...I hope. Once we have that date, we will immediately begin making travel plans. We have been expecting to travel in January, but there is a possibility that the trip could be at the end of December. I think I am still in shock that after so long, we are finally so close.

A few pictures of our new little man...

2009-11-18T19:59:00.001-08:00

Here are a few pictures of our sweet baby. His Ethiopian name is Geberemedin...which would obviously be a difficult name for a child in this country. So, we do plan to change it, but would like to keep a portion of his birth name as his middle name - we're just not ready to make a final decision yet. Hopefully we'll have a name soon...

He's Ours!!!!

2009-11-18T07:05:00.000-08:00

It's official...he's ours! Our case was finalized in court today. We are hoping to travel to Ethiopia in January to bring home our newest addition.

More details and pictures coming soon...

Court Update

2009-11-17T11:23:00.000-08:00

We got a phone call from our case worker at CWA this morning. All of the major parties involved gave approval in court. We were so close...except for one small issue. There was a clerical error on the piece of paper that documents the baby's "history" (status of parents, how he came to be at the orphanage, etc.). The judge deemed it important enough to be necessary and adjourned court until tomorrow after the mistake is fixed. There are no guarantees, but all involved are praying that this will be resolved...and he will be ours...by tomorrow.

Frustrating...but we are feeling hopeful.

Court Date Eve

2009-11-16T17:56:00.001-08:00

Thinking deeply on this, the eve of our Ethiopian court date...

There is a precious little one very far away. I've seen his face. I know his name. I have small pieces of his story. In the whispers of my fearful heart, I already love him. Tomorrow is the day we could learn that he is "officially" ours - that this is the child God placed in our family long before our family even was. Or tomorrow, we could learn that the wait continues...for any number of reasons...our case may not make it through court on the first attempt. Either way, it is a big day in the life of our family.

Surreal feelings, truly. My husband asked me tonight if I was ready, tomorrow, to become the mother of four? Wow...are we really at this point...finally?

If all goes smoothly, on November 17, he will be ours. But it will be at least another two months before everything is processed and we can travel to bring him home. I still can't hold him. I can't rock him. I can't feed him. I can't kiss his boo-boos. He can't see my eyes light up when he smiles. I can't love him through the lonely ache that his tiny heart is feeling. Yet my mind is continuing to cycle through the reasons why four children will not be an easy under-taking...why having a biracial family will bring additional challenges...whether or not I am qualified to raise a black child. And if I ever run out of questions, others seem to have enough to easily reignite my panic. But even with so much turmoil swirling in my faithless, finite brain...I am surprised by the relative ease at which I arrive at an answer to my husband's question.

I wrestle with my doubt, fear, selfishness and the ugliness in my soul - but these will always be familiar companions on this side of Heaven. Was I truly prepared to be the mother of one, two or three? Certainly not. Motherhood is a daily lesson in the laying down of self. Who's ready for that?

Am I prepared for a fourth child? Probably not. But...am I ready to be the mother of this precious child with the beautiful brown eyes...the one we've been calling Baby G...? Yes.

Absolutely. Right now. Not two months from now. I am ready. Now.

Disneyworld

2009-11-15T18:57:00.000-08:00

Above are just a few pictures from our Disneyworld trip. Going to Disney has become the thing we do right before we gain a new family member - the last time we went I was pregnant with Emmy. It is just a magical place and no one wanted to come home. What a fun vacation!

November 17

2009-10-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

The last notification we had received from our agency was that Ethiopian officials had stopped all adoptions from the Oromia region (our little boy is from the Shashamene orphanage in that area) until a pending investigation was complete. We had no idea how long it would take for resolution or when that area would again have the "green light" for adoptions to proceed. Imagine our surprise today upon getting an e-mail from our case manager, informing us that we had been given a court date. It was so fast and unexpected...what an answer to prayer! Apparently, our paperwork had already made it through the system before things were halted. There will be no new referrals from the Oromia region until the issue is resolved, but thankfully, everything in process was allowed to continue. I had settled in for more waiting, but was also praying that God would speed this process so that we could get our little boy home as quickly as possible. Honestly though, I was truly planning for a wait. Oh..."ME" of little faith.

(For those of you following this blog in an effort to guess the timing of events in your own adoption journey, our court date assignment came just one month and one day from the time CWA submitted the documents in Ethiopia...a fairly quick turnaround.)

So, the court date is...November 17! This really is a big step. We have waited for so long and the assignment of a court date is a good reminder that we are almost there! Typically, about half of the cases make it through court on the first attempt. The other half are rescheduled for a later date, usually due to a request for more information. If our case does not get through court, then we'll do a bit more waiting as the needed documents are compiled. However, if all is approved, on November 17, 2009, the little one we have been calling Baby G will be officially ours! Once court approval is received, travel will hopefully follow approximately 6-8 weeks later.

It is so difficult to believe how quickly things are happening now. We still proceed with a measure of caution because the timing is so unpredictable. But a court date is a BIG thing...really...and our hearts rejoiced when we heard the news. We covet your prayers as November 17 draws near and also as God reveals the last phase of this crazy, mind-numbing, heart-wrenching, seemingly ceaseless, amazing...and most importantly...soul-growing...process.

Adoption Update

2009-10-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

We received our referral in mid-September. Since being given a name and pictures of our baby boy, the waiting has gotten so much more difficult. He is there and we are here. Before seeing his picture, I could choose to either day-dream about him or get lost in the busy-ness of life, but I didn't know who he was. Now, he is mine. I see him. I see his face, his big brown eyes. I want to hold him and love him as every child should be loved...the way only a mother can. But if there is one thing consistent with international adoption...it is the waiting.

So we wait. Again. Our paperwork is collected in Ethiopia and our agency has informed us that it is ready for court. However, there has been a recent delay in the processing of adoptions for babies from the region of Ethiopia where our child is from. This happens occasionally as authorities in Ethiopia work to ensure that all is legal and in the best interests of the children. We pray that the wait is brief. A similar issue in another part of Ethiopia was resolved in a few weeks. But really, we have no way of knowing how long it will take. This adoption is happening in God's timing and most days, I am at peace with that. However, to know that our little man is living so far away in an orphanage, when he could be here, being loved on, is very difficult. We pray for swift resolution so that we can bring our son home as soon as possible.

I'm a hare, but I should be a tortoise...

2009-09-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

In the midst of a very busy day, we discovered this turtle in our driveway. There is a lake in our neighborhood, but we are quite a distance from it. I'm not sure where this little guy was from, but somehow during the torrential rain experienced in Atlanta, he made his way to our house. I had a million things to do that day and the last item on that list would have been to relocate a turtle. But he was cute, my kids already loved him and I could tell this was an important lesson for them because he would likely die if we didn't take him home.
To watch us try to load this turtle into a bucket was quite a site. I like to look at nature, but I do not like to touch it. My five-year old refuses to put his hands on anything remotely gross. Our twenty-year old baby-sitter was also there that day and she wouldn't go near it. It is embarrassing to admit that my seven-year old daughter was the only one willing to pick up the turtle. Seriously. So, she stuck him in the bucket and we put the bucket in the van and drove him back to the lake. My kids were completely mesmerized as they watched their new little friend scurry back to the water.

The turtle topped the news at our house that day. He was all that my kids talked about and they even named him...."Shell-don." We also learned about how that tiny turtle was a creature that God made. If we loved and cared for that little turtle so much...imagine how much more God will love and care for us? Despite the numerous fun things we've done lately, this event trumped it all. As a mom, I sometimes force activities in an attempt to make great memories for my kids...but so many times, the things they will remember are the unexpected little surprises in the day-to-day. I think the tortoise really was on to something...not only does slow and steady win the race, but slow and steady allows you enjoy the race as it unfolds.

Finally a Referral!

2009-09-14T07:09:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since we began this process. But we have finally received the long-awaited phone call from our adoption agency...we have a referral! She gave us a brief description over the phone and said the pictures would be coming via e-mail. It was a baby boy, 3 months old. We finished the call and then almost immediately, the pictures were in my inbox. How exciting and very surreal. To open an email containing pictures of our son...crazy and scary and wonderful. He is so adorable. He has beautiful, creamy, caramel skin that is typical of many Ethiopians and his big brown eyes are gorgeous. We were expecting a thin child because many we have seen are emaciated - but he was not; his weight appears to be very healthy. In one of the photos, he was sucking his thumb...I melted. I am anxious to post the pictures, but there are very necessary rules (both written and unspoken) about protecting the privacy of children during the international adoption process, so until he is "officially" ours, I cannot post any photos.

We have accepted the referral and now our case will begin the process of winding through the Ethiopian court system. Should all go smoothly, we will travel to bring him home in December or January. We are hopeful, but cautious, as there could be road-blocks that arise. My brain is frantically trying to protect my heart as I fall in love with this precious little one. But a friend mentioned that we should celebrate what we have today. So that is where we are...celebrating what we have today. There is a lot to process emotionally - there has been throughout the duration of our adoption journey. I spend much time thinking about his mother, about her sacrifice to give her child a better life. About the sorrows of his family and of so many families all over Africa. We are thrilled that he will be joining our pack, but there is always an underlying thread of sorrow for what our precious son has been through in his short life.

The Feel of Faith

2009-09-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

A dear friend and amazing woman of God sent this to me. My brain loves pictures and stories to help me understand difficult concepts. At first glance, it seems so simple, but its application in our lives - actually taking that drink...that first step...can be very scary...

THE FEEL OF FAITH
(From 'Love Walked Among Us' by Paul E. Miller, pgs 178-179)

C.S. Lewis captures what faith feels like in a children's story. A schoolgirl named Jill Pole goes to a stream to drink, but at the side of the stream lies a large lion. She stops. The lion tells her, "If you're thirsty, you may drink." Jill hesitates.

"Are you not thirsty?" said the Lion.
"I'm DYING of thirst," said Jill.
"Then drink," said the Lion.
"May I?-Could I?-Would you mind going away while I do?" said Jill.
The Lion answered this only by a look and a very low growl...
"Will you promise not to - do anything to me if I do come?" said Jill.
"I make no promise," said the Lion ...
"Do you eat girls?" she said.
"I have swallowed up girls and boys, women and men, kings and emperors, cities and realms," said the Lion. It didn't say this as if it were boasting, nor as if it were sorry, nor as if it were angry. It just said it.
"I daren't come and drink," said Jill.
"Then you will die of thirst," said the Lion.
"Oh dear!" said Jill, coming another step nearer. "I must go and look for another stream, then."
"There is no other stream," said the Lion.

In this allegorical story, Jill represents us and the Lion symbolizes Jesus. Like Jill, we are drawn by the fresh water of the stream, but we fear the Lion. We don't want to lose control of our lives, yet we want to drink. We don't want to appear foolish, becoming a 'religious nut,' yet our lives don't work. Our feelings about Jesus are mixed.

At the Feast of Tabernacles, the most joyous of the feasts, the Jews brought up water from the pool Siloam and poured it out. The water symbolized the pouring out of God's love when the Messiah would come. During the feast, Jesus got up in the temple and made an unabashed claim to be the solution for our deepest thirsts, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him" (John 7:37-38).

Bittersweet Back to School

2009-08-20T18:22:00.000-07:00

It is August and my oldest is finishing her first week as a second grader. My middle child will be returning to pre-school for his last year before kindergarten and his little sister is beginning her pre-school career. And, as is becoming my new back-to-school routine, I have spent much of the past few weeks lost in thought. May and August have become my months to get surprisingly weepy and reflective. Both the opening and closing of a school year seem like such significant milestones. But it is a bittersweet time for moms. If we are honest with ourselves, it is a painful reminder that if we do our job well...we are raising them to leave us.

I know. This sounds pathetic. I'm really not that mom though - at least, I don't think I am. I survive the bulk of the year without too much "needy-mom" syndrome - very content to have some "me" time and appreciative of the few hours each week when my precious kiddos are pursuing higher learning (or just practicing their shapes and colors...whatever...it is all relative). But I am sentimental. I am also so grateful to have been given this role and I am painfully aware that it will eventually end. These emotions can create a somewhat volatile combination when marked by the bookends of the school-year. Especially in years of significant transition in the lives of any of our kids. A friend was speaking of her own struggle the other day - as three of her four children will be in school full time this fall - and she described it as feeling like the end of an era...something I have dwelt upon recently as well. Although this year, it isn't instigated by some great transition my children are making. They are in the same schools that they were in last year and things are proceeding as usual. But what has suddenly crept up, is the realization that I have already left a season of motherhood...and I didn't even know it had happened.

Somehow, I am no longer a young mom with very small children. I know...gasp! Ok, so that may not be extremely shocking to anyone reading this, but it honestly still surprises me. Where did the years go? Yes, I do still have young children. And with our adoptions currently in-process, there is a high probability that I will have little ones for quite some time. But life is very different now. I no longer spend most of my day at home with babies - excitedly awaiting my playgroup time, so that I will have the incentive to take a shower and the opportunity to interact with other adults. We don't stay in our pajamas until the late hours of the morning while we watch PBS and play. We don't leisurely run errands simply to have something to do. It is a different season now. After delivering my oldest to school early each day, we are still home for a good portion of the morning because I try to be for my younger kids, but not nearly as much as I once was. I look back at old videos and cannot believe the patience in my voice as I coo to my first-born. Where did that kind and loving woman go? Actually, where did the video camera go? Now, the pace is frantic...and I know that we are just at the beginning. I observe the schedules and logistics of friends with older children...and I shudder. But even now, in our early days with "big kids," we already spend our afternoons in the car shuttling to and from activities, our weeknights are basically consumed - and we are desperately clinging to the very small bit of a weekend that we have left. It is different now. We have begun a new era.

I suppose what frightens me most, is that this new season snuck up on me. I was the young mom with a toddler and a baby...and suddenly, my kids are 7, 5 and 2 and I'm wondering what happened to that precious time? When I was in those early years of motherhood, I thought it was so difficult and I felt so busy. And it is a hard season - the lack of sleep, feeding schedules, meeting the every physical need of infants and young toddlers. But you don't know what you don't know and now, I find myself longing for those days. There were challenges, but the calendar was simple and life felt more balanced and less frazzled. Caring for the physical needs of my children was much less stressful than shepherding their hearts. The next phase is always more difficult and full of more challenges than we anticipate. I guess the lesson here is contentment...an area in which I always struggle. Do not long for the next stage - be content in the day.

So, this August, I am once again lost in thought as I reflect on this surprising new place at which I have arrived. It has been an emotional week as I wrestle with my evolving role as a mother. I find this to be one of the greatest challenges of motherhood - once you finally feel competent and comfortable with kids of a certain age, they grow up - and everything changes. August is full of hope and excitement for my terribly bored children and there is an aspect of "new beginnings" that I do find enticing. My kids are ready for a new school year and I am thrilled to walk with them as they learn and discover amazing things...but my heart still feels a little broken for those precious early years of motherhood that I didn't realize were already gone.

We wait...

2009-07-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

No news on the adoption front. Referrals for little boys from Ethiopia seem to be running 4-5 months. We finished our paperwork at the beginning of May 2009, so hopefully, we are getting closer. The waiting is such a crazy thing. In many respects, it feels so similar to a pregnancy...waiting for a new little one. What will he look like? Will he have health issues? How will we adjust to another family member? What will his personality be like? When will we sleep again? But during a pregnancy, even with so many unknowns, the central emotion is joy. A sweet baby...a new soul...happiness abounds.

Adoption is a more complex experience. It will be a celebratory event for us, of course. Adding a new little one is a precious time and we can't wait to meet him. But for him, for his biological family, there is an undercurrent of sadness and grief that our previous babies have never known.

We haven't learned his story yet, so I don't know the specifics of his short, but already difficult, young life. But as we wait now, I spend a lot of time thinking about his family and what they are going through during these months. While we flit from tennis lessons and swim practice to beach vacations and golf outings, they are trying to survive - to simply live to the next day - in Ethiopia. This precious little boy and his family...what is their life like right now? Is his mother ill? Is there a father in the picture or has he abandoned the family? Was the baby left in a public place or did his family drop him off at an orphanage? So many questions and so much sadness. I think of his mother often. To be a mother, to desperately love a child you have just met, but to be unable to care for them or to know that illness will take you away...to give up a child? The grief and agony suck the air from your lungs. This thought is something that keeps me going when I'm feeling "mommy fatigue"...when I whisper to myself, "How can I possibly manage more children?" If the roles were reversed, what could I cling to? Of course I would hope desperately for a loving family to envelop my baby....to love my child as if he had always been there. It would be the only way I could find a morsel of peace in the sadness and gut-wrenching heartache.

For us, this child will be a great joy. God knew he would be part of our family all along. He placed him with us. But as we wait, our sadness for his experience looms unceasingly. To have lived such tragedy and loss at this young age, I'm not sure there are words descriptive enough to express the myriad of difficult emotions. We are so anxious to meet him, to bring him home and to love him fiercely. We will rejoice as he joins our family and we will strive to fill his days with happiness and purpose. But as we enjoy our summer and go about our ridiculously suburban schedule, my mind and heart wander often...wondering how our little boy is doing, wishing I was there to hold him and to ease his pain. I long to wrap my arms around his mother and assure her that her precious child will be cherished. We are having a delightful summer, full of fun and rest. They are facing each day with trials we have never known. It difficult not to feel extremely guilty.

It is a strange mix. The presence of joy and sorrow, happiness and heartache...so many conflicting emotions arising out of one life event. But I suppose really, this is life. There are many times when these emotions present in tandem. Adoption is complicated and the wait has seemed long. But I feel so grateful. For us to love this little one well, we must understand from where he has come. In the waiting, we have been given much time for reflection and for God to speak to our hearts - as He prepares us for the real journey that will begin when we meet our sweet baby for the first time...

Happy July 4th!

2009-07-29T19:06:00.001-07:00

Beach Trip 2009

2009-07-14T20:19:00.000-07:00

It All Happened So Quickly...

2009-07-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

My precious baby could have died. No exaggeration or creative license taken. This could have been it. A very different ending to our vacation and a tragic beginning to a life without her. As I write this I can feel my heart begin to race as my emotions swell.

I am fanatical about water safety. We pursue swimming lessons religiously. A house with a pool in the backyard will not be an option until the kids are much older. If we are near water, they are supervised at all times. Having little ones around the water has been a fear of mine as long as I've had children. I can recall waking up on various occasions after a nightmare that one of my children had drowned. One day a few weeks ago, it almost became a sadness from which I would never awake.

The house we rented at the beach had its own pool in the front. Initially I was reluctant, but I relented. The pool had its own fence and gate with a high latch. There would be a lot of adults and only a few kids. It was a beautiful house and it was big enough for our entire extended family. It seemed as though we could manage to keep the kids safe for a week.

We had a wonderful first day. A fun outing at the beach. My mom even stayed back at the house with the kids while they napped, so that hubby and I could have a few peaceful hours by the pool. The morning of day two began routinely. We were scurrying to get everyone fed, dressed and ready for the day. Patrick went upstairs to change. Shortly afterwards, I was ready to do the same. I made a quick survey of the room and the big kids were fine. Emmy (age 2) was sitting on the couch with the adults. I generally announced that I was going up to get ready. (In hindsight, I should have specifically appointed someone to be in charge of watching the kids.)

Times passes, ten to fifteen minutes at the most. Suddenly, I hear my dad yelling from downstairs that he had just found Emmy...outside of the house, inside the pool fence...by herself.

My heart stops. For a few minutes, I'm not even sure it fully registered. Complete terror. One of my greatest fears. Finally, after several minutes of processing, the emotions begin to flood my brain. What? There were at least three adults downstairs? The front door was locked? The pool gate was shut? How on earth did a two-year old open a heavy, locked hurricane door, walk ten feet to a fence, open the gate and head towards the pool? How could this be? We are so careful. I am painfully aware that drowning is the second leading cause of death for children. This cannot have almost happened to us. Complete shock.

I wrapped my arms around that sweet child and held her so tightly. I hid in my bathroom and sobbed uncontrollably. I thanked God for protecting her. I beat myself up repeatedly for not either bringing her upstairs with me or appointing a specific person to take care of her. Then I attempted to reconstruct the events that allowed her to make her way to the pool. I still don't really know what happened. How is it that no one realized she was missing? I don't know if someone left the front door open and she followed them out. I don't know if she managed to get the door open herself. I did learn that the latch on the pool gate was broken and so the gate did not remain completely closed. Usually, in the case of most disasters, there are several things that go wrong - a chain of events leading to the ultimate tragedy. That rule applies here. A chain of events that almost caused years of heart-ache and "what-ifs." But the underlying theme is that it was an accident. They do happen and they happen quickly.

That evening I hardly slept. The next day I was still shaken up and could not stop obsessing about it. Eventually it faded somewhat, but the shadow remained throughout the remainder of our trip. I just kept thinking...so close...it was so close. We could have lost her.

There are so many difficult things that happen in life. I know God is sovereign and I trust His plan. But when there is sadness and tragedy, the questions and confusion cannot be suppressed. Throughout my life, I have wrestled with God during my own difficulties and I have struggled with Him as I have walked next to others during their times of trial and sorrow. In this fallen world, suffering touches all of us. But I feel as though sometimes we are so beaten down by the challenges that we forget to acknowledge the good. There are also many instances when accidents don't happen, when God protects "behind the scenes" - so many times when we so easily forget He is there ordaining it all.

So today, a praise. On June 9, 2009, God saved my little girl. He is always there. But on this day, as she made her way out of the house and to the pool, He held her hand. As she stood next to the water, He was there, with her. What was she thinking? Probably that the water was pretty and she wanted to jump in and play. But He wrapped his loving arms around her and did not let her take that next step. "Not now my child." He whispered to my dad's heart, "Go find Emmy." God surrounded my precious little one with a hedge of protection and He did not call her home.

When I prayed on that almost-tragic day, my words seemed woefully inadequate. He allowed me to keep one of the most precious gifts He has given me. How do I say thank you? It was one of the few times I felt grateful that He could see into my heart, because I could not find words that were big enough. My soul was exploding with gratitude, but when I tried to speak, nothing came out but, "Thank you"...and more tears.

Please be careful with your little ones near the water this summer. We cannot be too cautious. A little neurosis is healthy in the case of water safety. I used to feel it was just non-swimmers who were truly in danger. However, a friend recently posted an entry on Facebook describing her own scary incident. Her son was a very strong swimmer. But at a baseball pool party, he was pulled down - and eventually held under - by a panicked child who could not swim. Kids and water are a dangerous combination. Accidents happen so quickly. Please teach your children to swim as early as possible. Do not leave older siblings in charge of younger ones. Make sure all pools have a separate fence and a high (and functional) latch. I recommend some type of pool alarm as well. After our incident, we immediately began using a "Safety Turtle" system for the remainder of the trip. It is nice to have a back-up measure of protection. Bathtubs and kiddie pools can be dangerous too. Always remember that no one will watch your kids as carefully as you will, it takes only a few inches of water for a child to drown, and it all happens so quickly.

On June 9, 2009, God saved our sweet Emily Macyn. Hopefully it was not only a warning to us, but also to others. Please be vigilant when young children are near any amount of water.

Wishing everyone a safe summer.