What Have I Learned So Far?

Upon first entering a valley, the pain is so great that there is room for nothing else. There is no desire for reflection or energy for deep thought. You merely try to exist...to keep going...to endure. Nothing makes sense. Doubt. Fear. Hurt. Sorrow. It's as if you are drowning. We are only a few months into what already feels like years and we are still in the thick of the fight. However, we have come up for air a bit and there has been time enough for some reflection and much wrestling with God...as this mama tries to reconcile what I "know" and what I "feel." It has not been easy, but as I read and study and pray and reflect, I am beginning to understand and submit to the idea that this suffering was made specifically for us - not for anyone else - and so we must travel this road in an effort to discover what God is teaching us...how he is trying to refine us in this fire. It is early, of course, and twenty years from now, I hope that I will have more insight - and possibly more peace...although I may never truly understand on this side of heaven. Still, there are some recurring themes that I cannot seem to escape, so I must assume that these are things I am not supposed to miss. I want desperately to grow from this, because if I don't...if I go back to the same old me having not learned anything, not drawn closer to God, not made any changes...then we suffered for nothing. 

There are books written by very wise people about why we suffer. I'm not a theology major nor am I am at the top of the intellectual pyramid. So, I'll leave the ruminating about the meaning of suffering to those who are much better equipped. I'm just a weary mom, walking with her warrior daughter as she fights a raging battle against an insidious beast. I am attempting (sometimes unsuccessfully) to see God along the way. In three months, this is what I have learned (but stay tuned, as I am sure there is much to come):

 - Thankfulness
We should be thankful in ALL things. Period.  As mentioned above, I'm no theologian, but I know there are a seemingly endless number of verses in the Bible about thanking God first and for all things. It is pretty clear, although I sort of ignored it before...the part about thanking Him for the hard too. I read Ann Voskamp's book, 1000 Gifts several months ago, and it confirmed what God has begun to show me. Finding joy in all things...from sunrises, to a life of chaos raising young kids, to illness...everything. It is still going to take a lot of work - but it keeps appearing everywhere, this word...thankfulness. So, I suppose it might be something I need to learn. :)

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

-I Thessalonians 5:18

-Joy and sorrow can exist together
Whenever I was going through a difficult time in the past, I would want to hurry up and pass through it, so that I could get back to being happy. But when dealing with major suffering...whether it is illness, death, a handicap...sometimes you can't just pass through it...many times, it is something you have to live with forever. So, am I just sad forever...no joy again? Of course not - that is not how we should live. But this was new to me, and so I am learning how to balance the tension between the two...to find joy even when there is long-term pain and fear and hard. Joy and sorrow are not exclusive from one another, they can co-exist. It is difficult and I am still learning - but we have found much joy (and laughter) in the midst of some very difficult days

-We are suffering with Christ
Again, like so much of this, I have heard it for years...but until you are walking through it, living it...it is a difficult thing to understand. Christ suffered, so he knows. We suffer. There are a number of reasons for it, but this side of heaven...it is just part of the deal. We should be thankful that God is in control because if He wasn't, the suffering would be endless...unrestrained. As painful as it is, it is comforting to know that someone is running the show and there is a plan and purpose to it.

"God's plan for us in this life is to give us the benefits of heaven only gradually. By letting us struggle with the remnants of a sinful nature, and by letting us know pain, He reminds us of the hell we are being saved from. If we had an easy life, we would soon forget that we are eternal creatures...the stakes are enormous...Thus, it is only fitting that God should give us some sense of the stakes involved, some sense of the war's magnitude. He does this by giving us foretastes of heaven in the joys we experience, and foretastes of hell in our suffering."

-When God Weeps (by Joni Erickson Tada and Steven Estes)

"Jesus Christ did not suffer so that you would not suffer. He suffered so that when you suffer, you'll become more like him. The gospel does not promise you better life circumstances; it promises you a better life." 

-Tim Keller

-Suffering is designed specifically for the person it affects

Many times in recent months people have said to me, "I could never do what you are doing." But do you know what? I would have said the same thing six months ago. I never used to be able to watch the St. Jude cancer commercials because I couldn't dare think about what those kids and parents were going through...really...it made me tremble and I would change the channel every time. But we are living it now...in real life...and while it is REALLY bad, it is not as horrible as I imagined because God is now giving me the grace I need to make it. So truthfully, when people are making that comment, the reality is that they are thinking, "I hope I never have to have to walk through what you are walking through, it seems way too scary." But suffering doesn't work that way. You can't project someone's suffering onto your own life to determine how you would react, because it is not the journey God has for you. Plus, you don't usually get a choice. It comes and you have to deal with it...there is no way to opt out. I have a college friend with MS, four kids and a husband with a crazy job. I have another friend who upon discovering her husband's infidelities realized that he was not the man she thought he was. Yet another who has made the journey to MD Anderson every six months for over a decade to follow up and be sure her husband's brain tumor has not returned. Another friend battling terminal cancer. I look at each of these stories and countless others and think that I couldn't handle it...yet they are walking with strength and grace and dignity because this is the path God has for them. That doesn't mean things are smooth sailing or that any of them would have chosen those roads, there can still be very much hurt and pain and fear, but He fills you with the grace you need...only when it is time.

Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it -- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand.”  

-C.S. Lewis, The Problem With Pain

-Doubt and questions signify a very real and active faith

I see some going through trials and they are quick to quote scripture and claim God is in control and I often wonder...do they really believe that or are they in denial or following blindly? If they do truly believe without the struggle, then they are wonderfully mature believers and far beyond me (which is quite possible). But I am finding that the wrestling with God is alright. Being sinful is not alright, but really questing, praying, researching, trying to reconcile reality and theology...these are all perfectly acceptable and our big God can handle it. The doubt, the questions, and the wrestling signify a very real and active faith...they don't necessarily mean unbelief. (A great book to read on this topic is Wrestling With Angels by Carolyn Arends.) 

-My patience needs some work

Nothing to expand on here...this process has demanded more patience than I have ever known...it is hard and patience is not a strength of mine

-I really do need to live in the day

Cancer or no cancer, we never know what tomorrow will hold. I'm a planner and I spend much of my life going through the schedule, anticipating what is coming next, organizing logistics in my head, planning out every step...all in what I think is a subconscious attempt to convince myself that I have some control over things. But the bottom line is that we don't. He knows the hairs on our heads, the number of our days. We should not be anxious and we are to trust Him to give us what we need for today.

"All that planning ties you up in knots and distracts you from me. Attentiveness to Me is not only for your quiet time, but for all your time. As you look to me, I show you what to do now and next. Vast quantities of time and energy are wasted in obsessive planning. When you allow Me to direct your steps, you are set free to enjoy me and to find what I have prepared for you this day."

-Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (July 26)

-Priorities

 I need to be continually evaluating our priorities. Why are we here? Life is short and fleeting and precious. We need to be the best stewards we can be of our relationships, time and money. Are we pursuing eternal things or worldly things? Have I been sucked into the nonsense and affluence that can be American parenting? Am I buying into the busyness that is suburbia or are we truly living intentionally as a reflection of Jesus...loving and serving well? 

"You will never be in control of your life circumstances, but you can relax and trust in My control. Instead of striving for a predictable, safe lifestyle, seek to know Me in greater depth and breadth. I long to make your life a glorious adventure, but you must stop clinging to old ways. I am always doing something new within My beloved ones, be on the lookout for all that I have prepared for you. 

-Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (July 5) 

-God is good ALL the time and this may not be wrapped up in a neat little package

When we learned that Bailey's necrosis results were 100%, we received many messages that to some extent said the same thing...God is good! And He is...but God still would have been good if her necrosis had been 35%. He is not good based on whether or not we got the results we wanted...He is good regardless...all the time. It has been a major heart battle for me...to really struggle through how this looks. All of the what ifs...if life doesn't turn out as I wish...can I still trust that He is good? This is one of those things that I "know"...but feeling it can be a challenge...especially as I have watched my child hurt. This is a journey that may or may not be wrapped up in a neat little God-story package...and years from now I could still be wrestling with things that I don't understand. But He is still good.

"Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see - how good GOD is, Blessed are you who run to him. "

-Psalms 34:8 (The Message)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

-Romans 8:28

This journey in young and there is much yet to go. Some days He feels far away and it is as if He has gone silent. But there are other days, when I know that He is carrying us. He is moving. Growth hurts. This refining...oh, does it burn! But there are things I am learning and I don't want to miss them - and this is a glimpse of what He has only just begun to show me as we wander in this desert.

 

I Want To Live Like That

I've been reading much about suffering lately...during my quiet time in the Bible, but also in many books written by extremely wise authors who have already wrestled with God and come to some tentative peace about their own personal sufferings...most of which are far greater than mine.  There is still a long road ahead in our journey and it would be premature to say that I can already discern what God is doing. I can't. The fog remains dense. I can see that He is moving...and that He is in this...but the big picture, the true reasoning as to why...I may not fully know until I meet Jesus face to face. Still, in my own wrestling, there are things He is beginning to repeatedly reveal to me...

One recurring theme that I suppose I knew...but didn't really "know"...is that suffering is designed specifically for the person who is going through it...like a piece of a puzzle in their spiritual journey. It isn't some random bad luck to get through and then pretend as though it never happened. It is ordained by God (because if He is truly in control of all things, then it must be ordained by Him or else He really isn't in control) because for some reason there are lessons that we need to gain from it in order to grow in our spiritual walk. It becomes part of our story from that point forward...not to be forgotten...woven into the fabric of who we are. But each occasion of suffering is different and specifically designed to fit each soul, which is why we can't look at what someone else is going through and think, "I could never do that." It doesn't work that way...suffering is individual - no one is walking the same journey, no matter how similar their path may look. You couldn't do it from the outside looking in...because God only gives the grace to deal with it when it is time.

"Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, 
because you were made for it — 
made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand."
- from The Problem of Pain, by C.S. Lewis

So, I've been giving much prayer and thought lately to what lessons He is trying to show me. The path we have walked through in recent months has exceeded any pain I have ever known...and I want to grow from it. I don't want to emerge the same...and go back to doing everything just as I did before...because then I have wasted the opportunity to truly deepen my walk with Him...and the suffering will have been for nothing. I want to listen and be able to absorb and apply what it is that He is trying to show me...to discover how is He trying to refine my soul. And then I want to use our story to minister to others.

While there is much yet to be unveiled, I am getting the sense that one small portion of this lesson is to live intentionally, always. I thought we were doing this already. But in this affluent, suburban area, it is very easy to justify a comfortable life. Over-scheduling my kids and making sure our world revolves around them, thinking I am entitled to "me" time and not being an exceptionally good steward of both our time and money are just a few (of many) things that I too quickly fall prey. What has become abundantly clear in recent weeks is that we are only here for a brief snapshot of time. We can live safely and for ourselves - with happiness as our ultimate goal...but suffering will still find us. And even if we are one of very few who manage to make it through life with minimal times of immense suffering...death will still come...to all of us. What then? Have we lived a life that mattered? Did we strive to love and serve God's kingdom? Did we walk the walk? Did we push ourselves out of our comfort zone so that we could make a difference in the lives of those less fortunate? Did we let go of our artificial sense of control and our need for a nice, neat, simple life and let God work? Did we leave a legacy? Did we make the most of the time, gifts and resources given to us or did we fritter them away in an endless pursuit of contentment that never came?

I don't exactly know what this means for our family going forward. It is too soon for that and I am sure that God has much left to show me. Plus, I am only half of the equation - and I know that God is teaching Patrick different things during this time. Still...this has been on my heart lately and so I believe it is an important lesson from our journey thus far...not only for us...but in how we teach our kids to live. 

In the past few weeks I have been following the journey of one of my adoption friends, Andrea. I am always amazed at her willingness (and also that of her husband) to step out and follow God's prompting...no matter how difficult the task. She is on the board of a ministry for widows and orphans (Wiphan) in Zambia, she developed a yearly retreat for women who have a heart for adoption that now attracts hundreds (Created for Care), she has already adopted one child from Ethiopia with the hopes to adopt again...and the list continues. It is not simply Andrea doing these things...it is God working through Andrea's very willing heart. Currently, they are hosting a 15-year old orphan from Ukraine through a program called New Horizons. This program gives orphans the chance to spend about a month with a Christian family in the United States before they age out of their country's orphanage system. There is a time when all orphans become too old and they are basically "kicked out"...with no hope for any kind of future. You can imagine in many countries what will become of a 16-year old girl with very little education, no money, no family and no concept that she is a loved, child of God. Very bad things happen. Andrea has four little kids, home schools and has just recently recovered from a months long battle with Lyme disease. She could have chosen to simply enjoy a low-key second half of the summer with her kiddos...relaxing at home, chilling at the pool, soaking up family time. Instead, she is loving on a child who has never known love and doesn't even know how to be loved. Serving a child who is, through no fault of her own, full of hard stuff. It is not easy. It is being the hands and feet of Jesus though...and it is beautiful. Certainly there are countless others doing hard things who I could have mentioned...but Andrea is currently smack-dab in the middle of this...so it seemed like a perfect example. She had a great post on her blog yesterday describing a day in the life with four kids and a 15-year old orphan from Ukraine who speaks absolutely no English...funny, touching, hard and full of love - active, you don't have to love me back but I am being Jesus to you love...please take a moment to read a few of her posts...you will not be disappointed:

Babe Of My Heart

I still have much to learn. I'm afraid I am the Titanic and I have just glimpsed the tip of the iceberg in the middle of a cold, dark night. 

Still, this idea of living intentionally - being willing to set aside more of me to be His hands and feet -  has been consistently on my heart...so it must be something. Life is short. Fleeting. I don't want to miss what God is trying to show me. In the words of Chuck Colson, "How now shall we live?"

"Sometimes I think, what will people say of me, 
when I'm only just a memory, 
when I'm home where my soul belongs; 

Was I love, when no one else would show up, 
was I Jesus to the least of those, 
was my worship more than just a song; 

I want to live like that, and give it all I have, 
so that everything I say and do, points to you; 

If love is who I am, then this is where I'll stand, 
recklessly abandoned, never holding back..."

-Sidewalk Prophets

Live Like That

China? Not yet...but sometimes He whispers...

We began our quest for a Chinese adoption over six years ago, but then a surprise pregnancy put those plans on hold. When it was time to renew our journey, the wait to adopt a healthy baby from China had grown from less than 12 months to almost five years. By then, God had done some miraculous things in our hearts, so, we decided to complete paperwork for both China and Ethiopia simultaneously. Our Ethiopian child has now been home for over two years. We are still in a very long queue in China. For some time we had been feeling a pull to possibly reconsider our adoption once again - and pursue a mild special needs child from China. Through a number of convincing circumstance, we felt that God was steering us in this direction. So early this year, 2012, we were about to begin renewing the portion of our paperwork that had expired as well as prayerfully considering what special needs we might consider. It was a daunting task, looking at the form contemplating which boxes to check...heart issues? blindness? cleft palate? We were hoping that God would make it abundantly clear which child was ours, because the list was overwhelming.  Our "plan" was that we would be traveling to bring home a child in late 2012 or early 2013. 

But in March of this year, just as we had fully committed to the process...our oldest child was diagnosed with cancer. On a grand scale, obviously, the devastation was immense. Of course it was. Her life was in jeopardy. It was terrifying and we could scarcely breathe. But once the initial shock wore off, I found that there was a seemingly endless list of smaller losses...not life or death...but sad nonetheless. One of these that hit me very hard was...what about our adoption? It made my heart ache to think that this little Asian face I have dreamt of for so long...that it just may not happen now. 

Years ago, after having two biological children, there was a point at which my husband and I both felt called to adoption...that it was "time." We prayerfully considered "where" and very peacefully settled on China...feeling that was where God wanted us to be. But that was six years ago...and although our family seems to continue to grow...there is not yet one of us who is Chinese. I have wrestled with this for some time. Actually even mourned it at points...because I felt so sure that this is where He wanted us. I could see her...sitting on my kitchen counter...dark silken hair in pigtails, almond eyes and endless chatter. Why God? Did we misinterpret things? Is this not your plan? We had a delay for a pregnancy. Another delay due to the long wait in China. Another delay because we have a child with cancer. Do we need to lay this dream to rest? Was this our will and not yours? Or is this simply Satan's attempt to keep a child born in communist China from growing up in a covenant Christian home? Did we hear you incorrectly? It was so difficult to understand when initially we had felt such peace that we were making the correct decision.

So this spring, we have gotten down to the business of fighting cancer. It is a heart-breaking, grueling, full-time, I wouldn't wish it on anyone job...and even in the midst of this, in the back of my mind I was thinking...what about the adoption, God?

Early into Bailey's cancer battle, we learned that there would be yet another layer to our grief. Not only did she have cancer, but we would have to dramatically alter her body to remove it. Her tumor had to come out, and since it was in her bone, there was no easy way to do that. They could save her leg...or the outside appearance of her leg at least, but she would have limited activity for the rest of her life...no high impact sports, no running, no jumping. The other options involved some form of amputation. We met with a number of people while researching our choices and one of those people was a physical therapist named Colleen. She had treated all types of osteosarcoma kids...ones who'd had limb-salvage, amputations...she had experience in every option...and so she was an excellent source of information because she could speak to the "after." What could they really do? What was rehab like? What were the limitations of each procedure? 

About a month into our cancer journey, we had our first appointment with Colleen...just Patrick and I. We were in her office for about an hour that day. During that time, it was only the three of us. We saw no other children and the place seemed deserted. She was wonderful and at the close of our meeting it was the first time Patrick and I were feeling both convinced and hopeful regarding the choice we were leaning toward...rotationplasty. I believe it was also the first time that we actually felt some peace about what was likely to happen...that Bailey would become an amputee and that she would spend the rest of her life wearing a prosthetic leg...and that it would be o.k. That she would do very well and not be restricted in any way. In fact, we would both probably admit that even if we didn't yet verbalize it, our decision was made that day.

So after our meeting with Colleen, we were saying our good-byes when we heard laughter. We opened the door and walked out of the office and into the hallway. There, directly in our path, was a little girl, about four years old...

adopted from China and learning to walk on her brand new prosthetic leg for the very first time. 

I gasped audibly and whipped around to look at Patrick. He rolled his eyes and said, "Oh no, " because he knew exactly what I was thinking...as he was thinking the same thing. I could feel my heart race. It had been such a difficult month. Our world was turned upside down and grief was everywhere. We couldn't escape it. There had been so many times in those recent weeks when God was not audible...not at all. I knew He was there, but I couldn't hear anything. He was silent. But throughout this entire process, there have been moments when He has sent little nuggets...glimpses...hints that He has not left us. There is very little probability that this recently adopted Chinese child who was missing a limb appeared randomly...the same day, same time, same place where we were when we determined that Bailey would live the rest of her life as an amputee. What are the chances? He placed her in our path. This little girl was an amazing reminder - on that day when we were faced with so much sad. Hope. 

I will always remember the feeling I had when I saw that princess with the beautiful dark hair, big smile and bright red, shiny metallic leg. Peace. Elation. Shame for not trusting. He whispers...He does. Like the time shortly after Bailey's diagnosis when we had gotten the wonderful news that her chest scan was clear. I walked outside to get the mail and there was a rainbow right in front of me...almost in the middle of our cul-de-sac. It took my breath away and sent chills down my skin. That beautiful Chinese face full of energy and laughter was a God-whisper. He was reminding me...I am still here my child. I love you. In my time. 

Do I think this means that we will adopt a little girl from China in need of a prosthetic leg? I really don't know. Maybe. All of us actually kind of like the idea...and what a neat thing that would be for sisters to share...such a special bond. But I've given up trying to figure out the plan. I have submitted my desire for China to God. We would love to adopt again and we hope and pray that there will be another Moody added to our clan. He is saying wait...for now...so that is what we will do. 

But I will never forget that when we were surrounded by sorrow, by fear, by agonizing choices and life-changing decisions...waiting to hear from a God who seemed silent...in that moment He sent a child that He knew would speak to our souls...a little face that would stop us in our tracks...to remind us that He is in control. It may not look exactly the way we thought it would, but He loves us. And He's got this. 

It was a whisper, but we heard it...loud and clear.